


What Happened in Vegas

by irishgirl321



Series: She-Wolf [1]
Category: The Hangover (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Explicit Language, F/M, PhilWenneckXReader, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, Violence, curse words
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-02-06 19:14:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1869270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irishgirl321/pseuds/irishgirl321
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Four of us male wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas" Alan cried, and then looked at you, "And one female wolf, for whom us males will all have to fight eachother for the pleasure of mating with"<br/>You almost spewed up your drink in shock, and Phil, Stu and Doug appeared equally freaked out by the speech.<br/>"Nope" You choked as Phil pounded you on the back with his fist, "That's never going to happen"</p><p>Attending your bestfriend Doug's Bachelor Party in Vegas turned out to be a lot more than you bargained for.</p><p>(Phil Wenneck X Female!Reader)<br/>'The Hangover' fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is a bit of an AU (alternate universe) where Phil isn't married and doesn't have a kid.
> 
> Your name is represented by '______,' and you're of equal age with Doug, Phil and Stu, if not a couple of months younger. everything else is purely you.
> 
> I just decided to do a Hangover fic because I watched it again the other night, and I really really wanted it to. I know I'm probably increasing my workload even more seeing as I have other stories to do, but hey, it's a free country!
> 
> Hopefully you guys will like it okay. I know that there isn't really a hardcore Hangover fandom (I could be wrong though), so those of you who'd like to read it, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Things will most certainly heat up in a few chapters (probably in Chapter Three), and this is just really an intro into the story :) The chapters will also get longer!
> 
> Be warned, there's a lot of cursing and bad language, because there's a lot of cursing and bad language in the movie anyway!

**Phil**

"Who else is coming tonight?" Alan asked from the passenger seat, "I forgot"

At first, Phil didn't think anything of it, he was too busy sitting back and enjoying the wind running through his hair. It was relaxing, being out of that fucking classroom surrounded by obnoxious brats. He was content to just enjoy it as much as he could while it lasted. After a while, however, when he realized that Doug hadn't replied (Doug always replied, no matter how stupid the question. He was just a polite guy like that), and continued to stare ahead with a guilty look in his eyes, it piped Phil's curiosity.

"Doug?" He pressed, leaning forward and adding his voice to Alan's, "Who else is coming?"

"Stu" Doug muttered, but by the way his mouth quirked down Phil knew it wasn't the whole truth.

"Doug" Phil said warningly.

Doug sighed, using one hand to rub his face in agitation while the other still rested on the steering wheel. Phil knew the gesture well, it was something that Doug did when he was building up to telling someone something that they wouldn't like. At last, he finally spoke;

"______" He sighed in defeat.

Phil slumped back in shock, staring dumbfounded at his friend.

_Fuck._

"Who?" Alan asked.

"Seriously?" Phil tugged at his tie to loosen it a bit, feeling a little short of air, "I didn't know you were still talking to her"

"Just because she lost contact with you and Stu didn't mean that she did so with me" Doug's shoulders were tensed.

Phil was silent for a few minutes, pondering what he was just told. Eventually he just voiced the question that played on the forefront of his mind;

"Does she ever ask about me?"

Doug risked a hard look back at Phil, almost swerving out of the lane before answering with a curt, "No"

"Not even once?" Phil insisted, slightly aghast, "Not even hints that she's wondering how I am?"

"Guys. Who is _____!?" Alan interrupted again, lower lip quivering dangerously as he was ignored.

"Just another friend of mine, buddy" Doug said soothingly, "She's nothing to worry about"

"She!?" Alan seemed alarmed, "A girl!? But this is a bachelor party!"

Doug shrugged; "To me, she's one of the guys as well"

"She's a girl. She'll ruin it. My sister always ruins things" Alan whined, returning his gaze to the land passing by, "You should watch out around that bitch, Doug"

Phil barked out a laugh, temporarily forgetting the storm of emotions in him. Doug almost swerved off the road (again) in shock. "Alan" He reprimanded strongly, "We've discussed that you can't talk like that about your sister"

"I'm pretty sure she's not my sister, and that she's a changeling" Alan insisted, "So it's okay to tell it as it is"

"Just give it a rest, bro" Phil patted his shoulder, noting how pissed off Doug was beginning to appear.

"Phil, will ______ spoil our fun?" Alan whimpered,  and Phil felt himself internally sniggering at what a fucking oddball this guy was.

"Nah, man" He drawled, leaning forward to swipe a bottle of beer from the floor by his feet.

He broke open the top of it, briefly catch Doug's disapproving eyes in the mirror. 

"That's meant to last us the whole journey, Phil. And the others aren't even here yet" Doug reminded him.

Phil glared at him, silently reminding him that after the fucking bombshell that Doug had just dropped on him, he was entitled to drink as many fucking beers as he wanted. Doug relented, breaking the staring contest and fixing his eyes on the road once more. Phil settled back into the comfy leather, sipping the cool beer as the wind ruffled his hair. After a few minutes of silence, he decided to add one more thing.

"______ won't spoil our fun, Alan. She's crazy. She'll just have one of the group fall madly in love with her, and then tear his fucking heart out of his chest"

Doug flinched at the bitterness in Phil's tone, wishing that things could be a lot less complicated. He just wanted to have a fun, crazy Bachelor Party with his best friends (and Alan) before he happily began his blissful life as a married man. He didn't want to have to put up with Phil sulking all night. The guy was amazing fun most of the time, but when he was upset about something, he could sulk for hours.

No one could sulk like Phil Wenneck.

And no one could make Phil Wenneck sulk like ______ _________.

Alan abruptly yanked him out of his train of thought.

Obviously having mulled over Phil's harsh words in silence for a few minutes, the bearded man shrugged, and commented;

"Well, I sure do hope it's not me that falls for her"

 

 

* * *

 

 

Doug arrived outside quaint little house with ivy creeping up over it's walls, and brightly coloured flowers in the front garden. Phil stared at it.

_This was where you lived._

He'd always known you wanted a pretty garden, one that people would stop to look at, and it seemed that you'd achieved your aim. You obviously employed someone to tend to your property, or you had taken up gardening. Somehow he couldn't imagine you rooting around in the dirt yourself, so he dismissed the latter idea. But then again, you could have changed. You may not be the wild, party-animal that used to be his number one partner in crime anymore; People did change as they grew up. And you had had seven years of growing up that Phil didn't know anything about.

There was a small fence surrounding the property, and through it he could see a scruffy dog rolling about on the grass of the lawn. It's tongue was out, tail lashing against the ground: The picture of contentment.

"This doesn't look like the type of house a murderer would live in" Alan stated suddenly, causing the other two men to stare at him.

Apparently deciding that the ridiculous babble of his almost-brother in law wasn't worth his time, Doug just grunted, and turned to honk the horn twice.

For a minute or so, there was no response. Then the front door opened, and two people stumbled out. A girl in bright red tight trousers, a white tank top and a charcoal grey blazer was dragging a bulging suitcase behind her. It bumped and tripped down the path as she hastily made her way to the car, paying barely any attention to her chattering male companion. He was a man; Tall, dark hair and tanned, ridiculously handsome, who was carrying a white leather handbag in one large hand. 

Phil had always valued himself to be a rather handsome guy, but even he had to admit that this guy was definitely on-par with him looks-wise. Then he looked at the girl's face again and saw that she was _you_.

Turning your head towards the car, you let out a loud squeal of joy, and bulleted forward. Doug immediately unbuckled his seatbelt and stepped out of the car, holding his arms out to you. You slammed into them, throwing yourself into his chest. Phil watched him swing you around in the air, and then set you down before pulling you back into a hug. You were both laughing, and when you drew away Phil saw that familiar mischievous look in your eyes.

"I'm so happy to see you" You told Doug through slightly misty eyes, and he beamed at you.

"You must be Doug" The man used the pause in conversation to step forward, offering Doug a hand, "I'm Luke, ______'s boyfriend. I've heard many great things about you"

Luke slid an arm around your waist and yanked you against his side. You didn't seem too interested in his embrace, just hummed to yourself as you took what was obviously your purse from his hands and rooted around in it.

"It's great to finally meet you, Luke. ______ has told me lots of good things about you too. Maybe sometime we should go out and get to know eachother" Doug replied, as friendly as always.

"Sounds like a plan" Luke's eyes twinkled.

"Phil?" You asked suddenly, staring straight him with wide eyes.

"______" He replied, smiling shakily.

When you didn't say anything after a few minutes, your boyfriend reached out a concerned hand to touch your arm. You jumped in shock, not expecting the contact. Your gaze immediately snapped away from Phil, to Luke, and then back again.

"Sorry" You said softly to Phil, "I knew you were coming... It's just, it's been so long. How are you?"

"I'm good. Became a teacher" Phil answered, not knowing what else to say, "Can't wait to get away from all the little shits"

That joke, as small and lame as it may have been, broke the ice immediately.

You threw back your head and laughed, a familiar, happy, melodic laugh. As it washed over him, Phil felt his eyes closed and realized just how much he'd missed hearing that sound. Suddenly seven years felt like forever. When he opened his eyes again you were smiling at him. He grinned back, holding out a beer to you and patting the empty seat beside him. You grinned your old wolfish grin, and within seconds had vaulted over the side of the car and settled down into the seat next to him. He passed you a beer, and you took it gratefully. Behind you, Luke and Doug began to attempt to fit your bag into the boot.

"He's whipped" Phil whispered, sneaking a glance at Luke as he did your work for you.

"Just how I like 'em" You replied, staring at the top of the bottle.

Phil followed your eyes and realised that the cap was still on it.

"Here, let me-" He started, searching for the bottle opener.

"No worries" You reminded him, before fitting the top of the bottle against your lips, and tearing the cap off with your teeth.

"I had forgotten that you do that" Phil laughed as you spat the twisted metal out onto the floor of the car.

"My party trick" You giggled, taking a sip of the cool liquid, "Who's he?"

You had suddenly decided to pay some attention to Alan.

Probably due to how he was staring at you.

 "Oh, he's... What's your name again, buddy?" Phil looked at Doug's almost-brother in law.

"Alan. We've met before and I just told you again earlier" The man snapped.

"Oh, hey" You waved at the guy, "I'm ______. Nice to meet you" 

"I know who you are" Alan replied and you smiled benignly at him, "Please don't rip my vital organs from my body"

"What?" You stared at Alan in shock, and Phil froze in horror.

"Please don't murder me" Alan continued.

"I... What?" You gaped.

"Phil said that you tear hearts-"

"Nothing! Phil said nothing!" Phil laughed nervously, leaning forward to squeeze Alan's shoulder tightly, "Nothing at all"

"Ow!" Alan winced, "That hurt!"

You opened your mouth to ask what the fuck was happening, and Phil immediately looked around for the nearest manhole that he could disappear down. Obviously that fucker Alan would just tell you everything without realizing the damage he'd be causing. What a retard. Luckily Phil was saved by the most unexpected of all people; Luke. Your boyfriend, after successfully cramming your bag into the tiny boot, came around to give you a goodbye kiss. Phil found his nose wrinkling as the smell of Luke's cologne washed over him as the guy in question leaned down to press his lips against yours.

"I'll miss you" Luke whispered, rubbing his nose against yours.

Phil rolled his eyes. Like, barf much?

"I'll miss you too" You answered unconvincingly, pushing him away with one hand and taking another sip of your beer.

"Don't go crazy now" He warned before turning to survey the other men in the car, "Look after her, please"

"We will" Doug replied, getting into the driver's seat once again and starting the engine.

Luke smiled, patted the car twice, and stood back as Doug pulled away. You didn't even turn around to wave your boyfriend goodbye: Just slid a pair of shades over your eyes, and threw your hands up into the air.

"VEGAS, BABY!" You yelled, the wind whipping your hair around your face as you launched yourself up into the air.

Phil grabbed a hold of you to make sure that you didn't topple out of the moving car, and you just laughed as he dragged you back down.

"Come on, Phillis. Have some fuuuuuuun" You drawled, "We're all together again and going to Vegas"

"Gotta get Stu first" He reminded you, grinning at your enthusiasm.

"Oh fuck, yeah!" You exclaimed, remembering, "And how is Doctor Faggot?"

Phil and Doug chuckled, remembering Phil's teenage nickname for their friend.

"He's doing okay. With some crazy bitch called Melissa" Phil answered.

"And not fun-crazy like you, ______. She's horrible. Cheated on him and everything" Doug supplied.

You were about to reply when Alan stuck his head out of the side of the car and started baying like a demented hound.

"What the actual fuck" You blurted, and beside you Phil nodded in agreement.

"I don't even know" He draped an arm over the back of your seat, right above your shoulders, "So how long have you been with Luke for?"

"Who knows?" You snorted, "I don't really count the days we've been at it by drawing little hearts on the days of a fucking calendar"

"Aren't you guys serious?" Doug asked from the front seat.

"According to him we are" You shrugged, twisting to put your legs up on the side of the car and resting your head on Phil's chest, "I couldn't care less. You know me, being tied down is not my thing"

Indeed it wasn't. It had never been.

Phil smiled down at you, feeling his pants grow a little tighter as the smell of your perfume and your warmth against his body flooded his senses.

It was like you'd never even fucking left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Should we go up and knock on the door?" You asked, uncapping another beer with your teeth.  
> "Nah" Phil waved your suggestion away, "She hates us. Best we stay where her claws can't cut us. And your presence would only stir things up even more. She'd be all suspicious that you'd seduce Stu or something"  
> You wrinkled your nose; "Why would I want to seduce Vegetable Stu? Didn't you see what fine piece of meat I just left at home?"  
> "Are you a cannibal?" Alan twisted around in his seat suddenly to stare at you intently, "Are you trying to let on that you eat people after you kill them?"  
> "What?" You said for what seemed like the millionth time that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey people! So I decided to upload another short chapter today so you all can get a better taste of my writing! We'll definitely be getting to Vegas in the next chapter, and then the fun will start!
> 
> Thank you to those of you who've left kudos, and my lovely commenter ^.^
> 
> I know the reader character is a little crazy, but I do think that her oddness helps her fit in well with the group, and hopefully it makes her amusing?
> 
> One final thing; In this work I may have to use words such as 'faggot' and 'queer' as they are in the actual dialogue of the movie, or they fit in (example: In chapter One, the reader referring to Stu as 'Doctor Faggot'). I'd just like to say that I'm not exactly comfortable using this sort of language. I feel that it gives the impression of me being homophobic, which is certainly not the case. I also had to use 'retard' in the last chapter, which I wasn't comfortable with either but it's just how these characters talk.

**You**

 

"Seems like a nice neighbourhood" You commented as the car rolled along the quiet street.

Who knew that Stu only lived like twenty minutes away from you, and you'd never had any idea?

"Only the best for Melissa the Mega Bitch-a" Phil joked, and you laughed again.

It was nice, being back in his company. You'd been unsure of how he'd react towards you beforehand, you thought he might still be bitter over what happened in Monaco. It seemed like he wasn't, and you were glad he'd gotten over it all. It was great to have your buddy back.

"Should we go up and knock on the door?" You asked, uncapping another beer with your teeth.

"Nah" Phil waved your suggestion away, "She hates us. Best we stay where her claws can't reach us. And your presence would only stir things up even more. She'd be all suspicious that you'd seduce Stu or something"

You wrinkled your nose; "Why would I want to seduce Vegetable Stu? Didn't you see what fine piece of meat I just left at home?"

"Are you a cannibal?" Alan twisted around in his seat suddenly to stare at you intently, "Are you trying to let on that you eat people after you kill them?"

"What?" You said for what seemed like the millionth time that day.

"You called Stu a vegetable, so maybe you don't think he'd taste good, but you referred to your boyfriend as a 'fine piece of meat.' Does that you've gathered from past experience that muscular guys taste better?" He explained as Doug stopped the car by the curb.

You felt your eye twitch, and turned to Phil with a questioning look.

"Why does he keep thinking that I kill people?"

 "No idea" Phil said hurriedly, and turned away to leave you just as confused as you were before, "Watch this" He added.

Cupping his hands around his mouth, he leaned slightly out the side of the car and let out a roar;

_"Paging Doctor Faggot! DOCTOR FAGGOT!"_

"Phil, that'll just piss her off" Doug winced, and Alan let out a loud, strange laugh.

The bearded man was staring at Phil with adoring eyes, and you thought about mockingly singing _somebody's got a man crush_ , but in the end decided not to. There was something obviously wrong with the little dude, and you didn't want to, like, make him fucking cry or something . You never had been very good at dealing with sobbing people. Hence why you and Stu had never been as close as you and Doug or Phil. As a kid Stu had cried more than the rest of you combined... Yes including you, the _girl_.  And you always ended up saying the wrong thing whenever you found yourself with no way out of comforting him:

_"I'm so sorry Mittens died. But, like, he never really liked you anyway"_

You snapped out of that particular hilarious memory as the man himself came striding down the driveway, looking like a sixty year old golfer while dressed in a striped shirt tucked in to beige trousers. It appeared that his fashion sense had gotten any hotter in the last few years. You glanced back at Phil, who was lounging next to you. He was looking pretty drool-worthy in his waistcoat and shirt. Way hotter than Veggie Stu, anyway. And his hair... Wow. It was just so perfectly styled.

You kinda wondered what it'd be like to run your fingers through it, and then had to physically shake your head to stop the little fantasy that began to play in your mind. The last time you had indulged in that little idea, it had become a reality that both of you had come to regret. You really didn't want to screw up this friendship again.

So instead of thinking about Phil, you moved forward so Stu could see you clearly, and gave him a wide grin. He stopped in his tracks as soon as he saw you, paling like he'd seen a ghost.

"______?" He wheezed in horror, and you knew he was remembering Monaco.

"Get in, fucker" You purred, eyeing him flirtatiously.

It had always been so much fun to mess with Stu.

You slid into the tiny middle seat, so he could sit on your other side. He climbed in doubtfully, trying to avoid your gaze when at the same time staring at you in shock. It was quite amusing to watch. 

"What are you doing here?" He asked, shifting around beside you with his bag on his lap.

"Ain't a girl allowed to hang out with her old friends?" You drawled, ripping another cap off a beer with your teeth before offering it to him.

He took it, but gazed at the open bottle like you'd handed him a decomposing kitten or something.

"But it's a bachelor party" He said dumbly, "You're not meant to be here. You're not a guy"

"I'm not a guy, you're not really a doctor and only a dentist, it doesn't really matter in the end" You replied airily, motioning for Doug to start the engine.

"You are a murderer though" Alan supplied from the front seat.

Stu stiffened in horror, looking at you worriedly as the car headed off down the road. You almost started laughing at the fact that he may slightly believe Alan's strange statement. Then again, he may have a bit of a reason to think so. You did tend to light things on fire when you were wasted.

"I'll kill you next if you don't shut your fucking mouth" Was what you replied with in the end.

By the expression on Doug's scandalized face, you figured you might have had a few too many beers already. And the day was only still young. 

_Sigh._

Alan gulped in terror, and twisted back around in his seat so sharply that you thought he may snap the seatbelt. Phil nudged you with his shoulder playfully, and you gave him a conspiratorial wink before bumping him back. There was a few minutes of silence, before you felt the age-old need to pester Stu again. Sandwiched between him and Phil, you looked at them both happily and said;

"Well, this is cosy" 

Your hand crept out to squeeze Stu's thigh, and he jumped and swatted your fingers away. You giggled, and Phil let out a snort of laughter.

"Seriously? Seven years on and you still get off on making me uncomfortable? I thought the joke would have worn out by now" Stu snapped.

_It was so good to be back._

You leaned over to whisper seductively in his ear; "I'll make you a deal... If you wear me out, I'll let the joke wear out"

Stu flinched away from you, and you completely lost it, crying laughing into your beer.

"You're a fucking maniac" He said, like it was something completely new.

"How about you tell me something I don't know" You chortled, chugging down the remainder of your alcohol, before hurling the bottle out of the moving car.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"WOOOOO! ROAD TRIP!" Alan got to his feet, screaming as the car barrelled down the highway.

"Ten bucks that he falls out" You whispered to Phil, who sniggered.

"I'm not making a bet like that.. He's probably as clumsy as shit" He replied.

Good thing he hadn't agreed, because Alan dropped back down into his seat, only to lean out the side and hammer his hands against the car door, still shrieking;  "VEGAS! VEGAS, BABY!"

"That crazy bastard stole my line" You frowned.

"VEGAS! WOOOOHOOOO HAHA!" Alan roared again, staring intently at some little blonde girl in the car opposite.

Much to your delight, she glared back at him before giving the middle finger. Laughing along with Phil and Stu, you raised a hand in salute to her. Alan, his exuberance ruined, sat back into his seat in disgust. You leaned back against Phil's shoulder, stealing his beer from his hands and taking a sip of it. You were pleased that he let you do that, he only ever let very few people drink his alcohol. But maybe he was too busy arguing with Doug to notice.

"Come on, just 'til Barstow. Everybody's passing us" Phil pleaded, looking pissed behind his shades.

Deciding you wanted them, you snatched them off his face and swapped them with your own, placing his on you, and putting your own over-sized, white rimmed glasses onto his face. He didn't raise a hand to stop you.

"Absolutely not. I promised Sid, I'll be the only one driving this car" Doug said for like the fiftieth time that evening.

I could drive" You suggested.

Stu immediately intervened; "______, I wouldn't trust you with caring for a plant, let alone driving me in a car"

You shrugged, unaffected by his words, and continued drinking.

"And beside, you're both drinking" Doug pointed out.

"What are you, a cop?" Phil asked as you rolled your eyes.

"You sound like Luke" You pouted, and then began to mimic your boyfriend's deep voice, "Don't leave the cooker on all night, don't drive the ride-on lawnmower after twelve strawberry daiquiris, don't buy a walking stick unless you really need one. Blahdy, blah blah blah blah _blah_ "

"Come on, dude. You know I drive great when I'm drunk" Phil tried again, and you had to admire his persistence.

You agreed, "Phil was always a better driver when he's wasted than when he's sober"

"That's true" Stu said, batting your hands away from his face as you tried to take his sunglasses as well, "Don't forget that Phil was always our designated drunk driver"

You all laughed a little at this, but Doug just turned to the guy beside him and said; "Do you want to explain it to them, Alan?"

Alan twisted his head over his shoulder to eye you all; "Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me. So yeah"

"Awh, whatever" Phil groaned, "Look, I left my life at home so I could come with you guys to Vegas. Do you know how difficult that was?"

"Phil, you don't have a life" You poked your tongue out at him, but he ignored you.

"That's really sweet, Phil" Alan said at the exact same time as you had said your words.

The contrast in them made Stu snort with laughter beside you, and next thing he handed you his sunglasses. You squealed in joy and grinned up a him. He rolled his eyes, but a small smile crossed his face as you snuggled into his side to hug him.

"Dude, I was being sarcastic" Phil stared at Alan critically, "I fucking hate my life, I may never go back. I might just stay in Vegas"

"Here we go..." Doug muttered, and as if on cue, Phil began to whine.

Not wanting to listen, you clamped a hand over his mouth to stop him from talking. He glared at you, but made no obvious move to remove it. You grinned, feeling victorious. That was when he licked your palm. You yanked it away in horror, and stared at the glistening trail of saliva on your skin. Phil cackled beside you, and you wasted no time in lunging forward to wipe your hand on Alan's fuzzy beard.

"Ew" The man said quietly as you drew back with a huge smirk on your face.

"But anyhow" Phil continued, "Getting serious with a girl; It'll make a little bit of you die everyday"

"Yeah" Alan laughed, "That's why I managed to stay single this whole time, you know"

You almost choked on your drink, causing Doug to glance at you through the rear-view mirror and shot you a look that screamed _do not even fucking start_. You desperately wanted to make some sort of sassy, sarcastic comeback, but Doug would kill you, and Stu beat you to the punch. Even though he wasn't as particularly cutting as you might have been.

"Oh really? That's why you're single?" Stu asked, keeping a perfectly straight face.

"Yeah" Alan confirmed nonchalantly, causing the three of you in the backseat to share an amused look. The guy had no fucking idea that Stu was mocking him.

"Cool. Good to know" Stu finished, turning away to stare at the land passing you by.

"Am I alright over there, Alan?" Doug questioned, meaning for the other lane.

"Yeah, you're good" Alan replied.

Taking him at face value, Doug pulled out into the next lane.

And almost got you all killed.

Your beer sloshed all over Stu's lap as the truck horn blared behind you, and Doug swerved away from it. You held onto Phil's arm and shrieked in fear as you spun back into your old lane, where you almost got rear-ended by another car behind. 

"Jesus, fuck!" You exclaimed as the others yelled in displeasure as well.

"That was _awesome_!" Alan howled.

"That was _not_ awesome!" Doug cried, "What's wrong with you!?"

Beside you, Phil was cracking up laughing, and Stu was looking pissed as he tried to mop up the beer from his trousers. He wasn't pissed at you, however. You hadn't actually meant to spill your drink on him ~~this time around~~.

"That was insane, we almost just died!" Stu pointed out the obvious as Phil fell against your shoulder, sobbing into your blazer.

"You should have seen your face!" Alan screeched at Doug, who had that _I-want-to-kill-you-but-I'm-too-much-of-a-nice-guy look_ on his face, "It was classic!"

Phil chuckled out something that you didn't quite catch, as you were giggling quietly yourself. The adrenaline junkie in you had risen to the fore, and you were pumped for the adventure ahead.

"Not funny" Doug said, sounding like he was about to start stress-crying.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"He's actually kind of fun" Phil commented, as you, he and Doug stood in the queue of the gas station, lining up to pay for fuel and snacks.

"Yeah, he means well" Doug answered as you stole a few crisps from the open packet Phil was munching from.

"Is he all there? Like, mentally?" Phil asked the question that had been playing on the forefront of your mind since the guy had first announced that you were a murderer.

"I think so, just an odd guy" Doug replied, tilting his head as he studied Alan, "Kinda weird"

"I mean, should we be worried?" Phil continued.

"No" Doug said firmly, "No. Tracey did mention that we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much"

"Jesus, he's like a gremlin" Phil snorted.

"Or a small child" You supplied, taking a chocolate bar from the shelves and ripping it open.

"He comes with instructions and shit" Phil finished.

"Aaaaand one water" Stu reappeared from wherever he'd fucked off to, dumping a bottle onto the counter.

"All good with Melissa?" Doug asked, folding his arms.

The woman scanning the boy's purchases stared pointedly at your chocolate bar, and then back up at you. You returned her gaze sullenly, making no move to do anything else but raise and lower the chocolate bar from your mouth, chewing viciously. Eventually you got bored of the glaring contest, and plonked the now-empty wrapper down on the till for her to scan.

"Yup" Stu was saying, "Told her we're two hours out of wine country, and she bought it"

"Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years, and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?" Phil challenged as he leaned against the counter.

"Yeah I do, but trust me it's not worth the fight" Stu responded, laughing a little.

"Oh, so, you can't go to Vegas, but she can fuck a bell-hop on a Carnival Cruise Line?" Phil snapped, and you nodded in agreement.

"Look, Stu, that doesn't seem like a fair relationship to me" You added.

"Shut up, ______. Like you even know what a proper relationship entails" He snapped, and you held up your hands in surrender.

"Don't take this out on her" Phil growled, moving slightly infront of you.

"Okay, first of all: He was a _bartender_ " Stu tried to defend her, "And she was wasted. And if you must know, he didn't even cum inside her"

"And you believe that?" Phil asked sceptically, facing the cashier once again.

"Uh, yeah I do believe that" Stu insisted, "Because she's grossed out by semen"

"What the fu-" You started, but the cashier cut you off.

"That'll be thirty-three fifty"

The boys paid, and Doug began to drag you out by the arm before you blurt out anything offensive about Melissa's strange phobia that would irritate Stu even more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know if you liked it, it encourages me to continue :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey people! Just popping in briefly to say thank you for the kudos, comments and subscriptions, not to forgot the supportive messages on Tumblr! You guys rock!
> 
> After the next chapter (Chapter Four) updates will most likely be once a week, as I have other sizz to write!
> 
> Let me know your thoughts! Hope you like!
> 
> (Any mistakes will be fixed later, I've proofread, but I always seem to miss some stuff!)

**Phil**

"It says here we should work in teams" Alan announced from the passenger seat, "Who wants to be my spotter?"

"I'll be  _your_ spotter, Stu" You simpered.

You snuggled into his arm, rubbing your hand up and down it as you gazed into his face. He frowned even more and tried to wiggle away from you, making you laugh once again and Phil smirk into his beer. Phil knew that Stu's attempts to get some space between the two of you was all in vain, as the back-seat was so crowded you were already sitting half on both of their laps.

"I don't think you should you be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan" Doug said hesitantly.

"Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're going to win" Alan insisted, "Counting cards is a fool-proof system"

"It's also illegal" Stu stated, obviously deciding that the best way to ruin your fun was to ignore you as you poked his face.

"It's not illegal, it's frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane" Alan argued, turning back to his book.

Phil snorted and shared a look of amusement with you. Behind his shades his eyes slid down to the neck of your tank top.

 _Fuck_.

You had taken off your jacket in the desert heat, and he could just see the beginnings of a lacy white bra against your breast. He supposed that he could just tell you that your boob was showing, but _naaaah_. He was rather enjoying the view, to be perfectly honest. Still keeping one eye down your top, he turned back and joined the conversation at hand. He would be less likely to be noticed staring if he seemed to be involved and his attention appeared to be elswhere. 

"I'm sure that's illegal too" Phil said, trying not to laugh as you mouthed _what the fuck_ at him.

"Yeah, maybe after 9/11 when everyone got so sensitive" Alan snapped bitterly, "Thanks a lot, Bin Laden"

Stu shook his head, and you leaned in to smother your giggles in Phil's chest. The man himself then wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you so you were sitting across his lap, back braced against the side of the car. You smiled at him, resting your head on his shoulder and swinging your legs up onto Stu's lap. He let out a loud 'oomf!' as your heels whacked into his thighs, but even though he gave you a cautioning look he made no move to remove them. Phil hid his grin in another swig of beer. It was little gestures like that that showed that even though Stu acted like he found you as annoying as shit, he actually was glad to have you back with them.

"Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy. It's not easy" Doug was continuing to try and reason with Alan.

"Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupt the casino and he was a r'tard" Alan argued.

"What?" Stu said as you let out a small giggle beside Phil's ear.

"He was a r'tard" Alan repeated, beginning to look a little uncomfortable as he sensed that he'd said something wrong.

"Retard" Doug corrected, trying to smother his laughter.

Phil chuckled, not wanting to make Alan upset by laughing openly at him. On his lap, you just shook your head in amusement and leaned forward to pluck the book from Alan's hands.

"Hey!" The bearded man cried in indignation, twisting around to try snatch it, "Give it back"

"Only if you say the magic word" You grinned playfully, holding it out the side of the moving car.

Phil caught Doug's eyes in the rear-view mirror, and his friend narrowed them to silently say _just make her give it back already_. Phil ignored him and turned away, smiling softly to himself. Stu caught his eye, and grinned slightly, then turned his attention back to Alan and you. You had always been a huge tease.

"Please" Alan begged.

"That's not the magic word" You frowned, dangling the book a little lower. 

Phil cocked his head, staring at you. he was kinda curious to know what the magic word was if it wasn't please.

"What is it?" Alan cried, lunging for the book again.

You swung it out of his reach, and grinned proudly at him. Phil got the distant impression that you would have liked some drum-roll at that very moment.

"The magic word" You announced, pausing for effect, "Is r'tard"

Alan glared at you, and you laughed, chucking the book back into his hands.

"Look!" You exclaimed suddenly, rising slightly to point at a sign. Phi followed your finger, and felt his excitement grow.

LAS VEGAS: 51 MILES

You sat next to him, eyes shining as the evening sun lit your face. He ran his gaze down your body, and found himself wondering of you'd  bought a dress for tonight. Hopefully one that was semi-revealing. Suddenly he'd never wanted anything more than to get to Vegas as soon as he possibly could.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was night by the time you all got to Vegas, and the city was alight with colour. Phil stared around him in wonder, completely captivated. He'd never seen anything like it. You squealed in delight, staring at a huge fountain spraying water up hundreds of feet into the air.

"We've got to go swimming there!" You exclaimed determinedly.

 Stu snorted; "It's probably as illegal as counting cards"

"And this is Sin City" You countered, "Which kind of renders your point invalid"

"Sound logic there" Phil teased, bumping his shoulder into yours.

You nudged him back playfully, but grasped his upper arm. He automatically tensed slightly, wanting you to get a good idea of how muscular his work-outs had made him.

"You'll go swimming with me, won't you?" You asked excitedly.

_Jesus._

_How the hell could he say no to you when you were looking at him like that?_

Before he could answer, Doug intervened; "I dunno if it'd be the cleanest, guys" he warned, "And I don't really want to drag either of you guys back with typhoid fever or cholera"

"Okaaaaaay" You frowned,  settling back, "I guess I don't really want to go swimming in dirty water in my good bikini"

"We can go swimming in the hotel's pool" Phil was quick to add.

"Sounds great!" You smiled, settling back.

"That's good" Alan spoke up from the front seat, "I brought my dad's Speedos"

"Can't wait for you to model them for me" You grinned in response, settling back against Phil as you stared at all the building above.

He allowed his hands to creep around your waist, pulling you into him, and he rested his chin on your shoulder. 

He knew he shouldn't be doing this, it was only going to  make everything so much worse for him in the long run. The last time he'd confessed his feelings to you, you'd shut him down as gently as you could, but it had still stung. It had stung so badly that he'd cut all contact with you for seven years. He'd spent that time getting over you, moving on, and for at least four years he'd been certain that he completely had. And now he was right back at square one. Or maybe he'd never even fucking _left_ it.

All he knew was that ever since you had walked out of the front door of your house he'd felt it again.

He was hopelessly, ridiculously, and completely enamoured with you.

He'd meant what he said to Doug, being with a girl ate away a little bit of happiness every day, but maybe that was because Phil had spent the last seven years of his life with all the wrong girls. Maybe Doug would have better luck, maybe Tracey was his one and only. That sounded sappy, but in that moment Phil didn't even fucking know what he thought about what he had once considered to be 'that whole soulmate bullshit,' or really what he thought about anything else for that matter. All Phil really knew was right at this moment he had the girl who he _knew_ was his Mrs Right sitting on his lap, and he had to find some way of making her see that they were a match for eachother.

"Here we are!" Doug whooped suddenly, causing Phil to jolt as they pulled up infront of Caesar's Palace.

They all got out, Stu grabbing your bag from the boot for you and rolling his eyes when you kissed his cheek after he handed it to you. Phil himself was carrying his bag over his shoulder, and took advantage of his other free hand to snake it around your shoulders and pull you close against his side. You giggled, but didn't move away, just put your arm around his back walked in time with him with your suitcase dragging along the ground beside you.

The inside of Caesar's Palace was amazing, and you all took your time in staring around you as you made your way to the reception desk.

"Hi, welcome to Caesar's" A woman greeted with a big smile on her face, "Checking in?"

"We have a reservation under Doctor Price" Stu told her, resting his elbows on the counter.

"Okay, let me look that up for you now" She began to type, staring at the small computer infront of her.

"Doctor Price?" Phil asked, jiggling in a mixture of nerves and excitement, "Stu, you're a dentist. Don't try and get fancy"

"It's not fancy if it's true" Stu replied, and Phil got an inkling that he was making eyes at the check-in lady.

_Take that, Melissa._

"He's a dentist" Phil repeated, "Don't get too excited, and if someone has a heart attack you should definitely call 911"

"We'll be sure to do that" The woman smiled.

 "Can I ask you a question?" Alan interrupted, "Do you know if this hotel's pager-friendly?"

 "What do you mean?" The woman tilted her head to the side.

"I'm not getting a sig on my beeper" Alan replied, hand on his hip and tilting it in his hands.

"I'm not sure" The woman answered, and Phil felt bad for her having to deal with Alan's weird questions.

"Why does he have a pager?" Phil heard you hiss at Doug.

"No idea" Was the mumbled response.

"Is there a pay-phone bank anywhere?" Alan continued.

"Mmmm, there's a phone in your room?" The lady tried.

"That'll work" Alan nodded.

"So, I have you in a two bedroom suite on the twelfth floor, is that okay?" She told you all.

"Sounds perfect" Doug agreed, ever the nice guy.

"Actually, I was wondering if you had any villas available?" Phil butted in.

No way was he going to have one of the guys rubbing up against him in the same bed. That'd just be fucking weird. There was always the chance that he might get to bunk with you, but knowing his luck that wouldn't ever happen, and he'd be stuck with Alan or something. Besides, you'd probably end up on the sofa or something alone anyway, seeing as you were the only girl.

"Phil, we're not even gonna be in the room" Stu tried to point out.

"It's unnecessary" Doug agreed.

Phil looked to you for support on the issue, but you just stood there chewing the gum you'd just stolen from some random passer-byers pocket, and watching it all go down. You were trying to keep your expression neutral, but he could see your amusement at what you knew was bound to be an oncoming argument.

 "It's no big deal, we can share beds for one night" Stu decided.

"Uh, if we share beds I'm bunking with Phil" Alan called, and Phil felt a rush of annoyance, "You good with that?"

"No, I'm not good with that" Phil risked a look at you, and saw how your lips had flattened as you tried not to laugh, and beside you Doug chuckled a little.

"Guys" Phil started again, letting the irritation seep into his tone, "We are not sharing beds. What are we? Twelve years old?" He turned back tot he check-in lady, reading her name-tag, "Lisa, I apologize. How much is the villa?"

"Well, we have one villa available, and it's forty-two hundred for the night"

"Is it awesome?" Alan asked.

"It's pretty awesome" Lisa agreed.

"We'll take it" Phil said firmly, and stared at the rest of you, daring you to argue with him, "Give her your credit card" He commanded Stu.

"I can't give her my credit card" Stu shifted uncomfortably.

"We'll split it" Doug tried to keep the peace.

"No!" You cried, yanking his hand away as he tried to reach into his pocket.

"Are you crazy?" Phil backed you up, "No, this is on us"

"You don't get it" Stu sighed, drawing the attention back to himself once again, "Melissa checks my statements"

"Jesus _Christ_ " Phil heard you snort, and then yelp as Doug elbowed you in the ribs.

"Well we just need your credit-card on file, we won't charge you anything until you check out so you can figure it out then" Lisa explained.

"Perfect! That's perfect" Phil threw his hands up into the air, happy that he was getting his way, "Thank you, Lisa. And we'll deal with it tomorrow, come on"

"Fine" Stu groaned, looking extremely pissed off, taking his card from his wallet and slapping it down.

"Can I ask you another question?" Alan enquired again, very seriously.

"Sure"

"You probably get this a lot: This isn't the real Caesar's Palace, is it?"

Phil closed his eyes in exasperation and turned his head away.

_Seriously?_

Like, was this dude for real? Doug better hope that Tracey was worth dragging her nutbag of a brother out here.

"What do you mean?" Lisa challenged incredulously.

Alan stuttered for a few seconds, obviously noticing the amused expressions on all of your faces, and possibly the fact that you were pinching yourself to keep from making a sarcastic comment; "Did, um... Did Caesar live here?"

 "Um, no" Lisa was trying not to laugh as well.

"I didn't think so" Alan amended, trying to look cool and unbothered.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Holy shit" Stu yelled as he stepped into the villa.

Phil followed, grinning widely, and clapped his friend on the back.

"Now this is Vegas!" He exclaimed, grabbing your hand as you walked past and twirling you under his arm.

"Oh my..." Doug trailed off, spinning around to take it all in, "This place is enormous"

You fell into Phil, wrapping your arms around his waist. He smiled down at you and you stood on your tip-toes to plant a happy kiss on his cheek.

"Now we're talkin'" He murmured, causing you to smirk slyly as you let him go and sashayed away.

Phil was aware of how his eyes fixed hungrily on your behind as you walked, and had to drag them away to look at something else.

"It's all one suite?" Doug asked in wonder as he continued to wander around, "Thank you guys. Or should I say, thank you Stu"

"You're welcome" Stu replied, hands on his hips as he stared out at the building and lights outside the floor-to-ceiling windows, "It's only 'cause I love you"

"Do you love me too, Stu?" You called from behind the bar.

Phil shook his head, feeling like nothing could spoil his high right now; "Okay ladies, pick a room, get dressed. Let's be ready in thirty minutes"

"Thirty minutes!?" You were aghast, "But I have to do my hair and make-up! I wouldn't be done by then!"

"You're so superficial" Stu shook his head as he stalked past you towards an open door to one of the bedrooms.

In order to punish him for his comment, you just picked up your bag and barrelled into the room ahead of him, turning to slam the door in his face. Stu threw himself against it, trying to wedge his foot in the gap. He was too late though, and the next second the door was closed. Everyone heard the lock switch click, and you cackling victoriously from within.

"OPEN UP!" Stu steamed, banging on the door.

"I WAS HERE FIRST!" You shrieked in reply.

"She was" Alan agreed, "And I wouldn't infuriate her, Stu. She may tear your heart from your chest"

Phil face-palmed, promising himself that never again would he use a metaphor infront of Alan. The guy was too stupid for his own good.

"Just go pick another room" He told the raging Stu, shaking his head, "It's your own fault for being rude, and I don't want Doug's bachelor party ruined with you two bickering the whole time"

 

 

* * *

 

 

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!_

Phil rapped his knuckles smartly on the door, and then stood back. Your reply was almost instantaneous.

"You can't have this room, Stu!"

"It's not Stu" He replied, leaning against the solid surface, "It's someone way better"

He heard you laugh from inside, and then footsteps crossing the room. The lock 'clicked' and the door swung open.

"Can I help you?" You asked coyly, still in your travelling clothes. He noticed the make-up and hair products littering the vanity table at the far end of your room, and figured you must have been putting all that on first. It was strange, but he couldn't really see any difference. Was it too fucking sappy of him to say that he thought you always looked hot?

Instead of telling you how great you looked, he just held up both ends of the open tie that was draped around his neck; "Give a guy a hand, won't ya?"

You rolled your eyes good-naturedly, but stepped back to allow him into your room. He kicked the door behind him with his heel, and wandered over to your floor-to-ceiling window.

"Nice, isn't it?" You appeared by his side, lifting up a hand to rest it against the pane of glass.

"Yeah, it is" Phil agreed, running his eyes down your body.

"You're staring" You replied without even looking at him, the corner for your mouth quirking up.

"What's wrong with staring?" He shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant even though his heart began to beat slightly faster.

"You've been doing it a lot"

"I haven't seen you in seven years. Amn't I allowed to look at you?"

"Yeah, I guess so" You chuckled, "So. Do you like what you see?"

Phil made a show of checking you out, then emotionlessly stated; "I'd give you a minus three out of ten"

You gasped in fake indignation, and shoved him away; "Go put on your own tie!"

"Awh, c'mon" He chortled, dancing back to you, "You know I'm kidding"

Your hands reached up to grab either ends of the tie, and you yanked them so his face was close to yours. You stared at him intently, and Phil realized with a thrill that he was close enough to kiss you right there and then, if he wanted. And he did want to, so very much.

_Just a little bit closer..._

"You better be" You growled, trying to appear threatening, before releasing him.

He staggered back slightly, and you moved forward to begin to do up his tie. After a few minutes you let it go with a growl of frustration.

"I can't do it" You stepped back with it in your hands, looking annoyed.

"It's okay" He reassured you, taking it from you and chucking it onto your bed, "I don't really need it. You keep it. It can be a souvenir"

You ran a critical eye over him, then slowly said, "I actually think your outfit looks better without it"

"You do?" He tilted his head and raised a brow at you, knowing that it drove the girls crazy when he did that.

"Yeah" You replied, smirking to step forward again, "With just one little change..."

Your heads slid up his chest, and you deftly began to unbutton the first two buttons of his shirt, so a triangular piece of his chest was revealed.

"Much better" You decreed huskily, gazing up at him from under your lashes.

His hands slid to your waist, and gently pulled you in closer. Much to his delight, you didn't fight it. Your arms slid up to lock behind his neck. Ever so slowly, he leaned his head towards yours. You moved closer to him as well.

The sound of breaking glass in the next room shattered the moment, and had you leaping out of Phil's embrace.

"Damn!" Alan roared.

There was pounding footsteps, and then the man himself burst into your room.

"I dropped the leftover bottles of alcohol" He blurted, oblivious to what he'd just interrupted.

"For fuck's sake, Alan" You groaned.

"It's okay" Alan insisted, "There's a liquor store across the street. I'll go get some more"

"Cool, see you later, Alan" Phil said hurriedly, walking over to escort him out of the room.

He really wanted to pick up where you had just left off.

Unfortunately, that wasn't an option, because next second Doug appeared in the doorway.

"Half an hour's up" He told you two, checking his watch, "Are we ready to go?"

"Um, no" You cried, hands raking through your hair in agitation, "You two go on and get Stu, and I'll be done by the time you've forced him to change his outfit to something that makes him look less like a pensioner"

 

 

 * * *

 

 

Marrying Melissa was the single biggest mistake Stu could ever make in his entire life, Phil was fucking sure of it. She was an aggressive, cheating bitch, and Stu deserved way better. Phil didn't know why he just couldn't _see_ that. 

"Stop thinking about it" You whispered in his ear, arms looped around his neck.

He only grunted in reply, and readjusted his hold on the underside of your knees. Stu shot him another incredulous look, he couldn't believe that Phil had agreed to give you a piggy-back.

"Look" You giggled suddenly, nodding your head towards something else.

Alan flicked his hair back from his eyes, hand on his hip. Around his side hung what appeared to be some sort of leather purse.

"You're not really wearing that, are ya?" Phil asked in disbelief.

"Wearing what?" Alan responded.

"The man purse" Phil clarified, pointing with one hand.

Alan looked down as if wondering what he was talking about, and you snickered.

"You're actually wearing that?" Phil couldn't believe this.

Was he seriously going to have to walk around with _this_ guy all night?

"Is he actually gonna wear that, or are you guys just fucking with me?" He continued, "It literally looks like a large, brown version of ______'s purse"

"It's where I keep all of my things" Alan told him, "I get a lot of compliments on this. Plus, it's not a man purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one"

"So does Joy Behar" Phil added in disgust.

The elevator door opened to reveal a guy with a large afro, and some woman. They had obviously been up to something, gathering by the way the guy had been under her dress as the doors opened. Phil didn't really care, and he didn't care for the strange look that they gave him either when he carried you into the elevator on his back. You had demanded a piggy-back, and he'd been happy to give it. Any excuse to be close to you was fine to him.

Eventually, they made it to the top floor. You snuggled into his shoulder as he walked across to the roof door, and he found his train of thought suddenly changing from Stu, to how good the bare skin of your legs felt underneath his hands. And that red dress that you were wearing?

_Fuck._

_"_ Guys, I don't think we should go out there" Stu warned.

"Hold on tight" Phil said to you, ignoring and dentist and removing one hand to open the door to the roof. An alarm began to ring, but Phil wasn't bothered. It wasn't very  _loud_ , after all.

"I'm just saying it's clearly marked, okay? We are definitely not meant to be be up here" Stu argued, glancing around the side of the door before stepping out as if expecting to see some big burly security guard charging at him from the other side.

"Oh, come on, Stu. We're paying for a villa" Phil rolled his eyes, " We can do whatever the fuck we want"

"Yeah, but-"

"Just wedge the door" Phil ordered, looking around.

His eyes fastened on the yellow ladder infront of him, and a wide grin crossed his face.

"Guys, up here" He nodded, then twisted to speak to you, "I'm gonna have to put you down now"

"S'okay" You replied, releasing your hold on his neck and hopping down.

"Ladies first" Phil grinned, gesturing grandly towards the ladder.

 "Thank you, kind sir" You chuckled, moving past him to start climbing.

"How the hell did you find this place?" Stu asked after he was done wedging the door.

"Don't worry about it" Phil replied,  because it sounded a lot cooler than saying 'just blind luck.'

"This is awesome!" You cried back down at him as you reached the top of the ladder.

He increased his speed until he was standing beside you, joining you as you took in the view as a light breeze stirred your hair. The view was even better than in the villa, which he hadn't had thought at all possible.

"Look at the view up here!" Doug seemed to agree with you both, and Phil turned to grin at him.

 "You happy?" Phil asked, hoping the answer was yes.

Doug was a great guy, and he deserved a great night and a great life.

"This is great" Doug said quietly, pulling Phil in for a man-hug.

"Woah! Are you _kidding_!?" Stu cried as Doug turned to you, giving you a proper hug.

"Alan, how you doing, buddy?" Phil looked for the bearded man, hoping he'd got some good stuff from the liquor store.

The man was rooting through a bag. Eventually he straightened up with a greenish bottle and a few glasses in his hands. 

"Good!" He replied.

"What have you got there, Alan?" Doug laughed as his almost-brother in law danced over.

"Come on, Alan! Do a little bump and grind!" You egged as he approached, grinning widely.

The man himself slid into the spot to your left, as Phil was standing on your right. Alan bumped his hip against yours, and then seemed to grind away, much to the amusement of the other men.

"Uh-oh! A little Jägermeister!" Doug laughed as he got a proper glimpse of what Alan was holding, "Good idea. On the roof"

Alan proceeded to hand out glasses to you all, and Phil began to fill up the drinks.

"This is good" Stu grinned, "I'd like to make a toast. To Doug and Tracey, may tonight be but a minor speed-bump in an otherwise very long and healthy marriage"

"Cheers to that!" You yelled, and everyone clinked glasses and downed their shot.

"Okay" You started, wiping your chin with the heel of your hand, "My turn. Here's to Tracey. Congratulations on finding the perfect woman, Doug. I actually _like_ her. And to be honest, I never thought I'd say that about any girl you ever chose as I thought that no one in the expanse of the entire universe could ever deserve someone was great as you. You're one of my best friends, and when I say that she deserves you, it's the highest compliment that I could ever be capable of giving her. I love you, dude"

"Awh" Doug said, eyes glistening with emotions, and reached over to pull you into a hug, "I love you too, buddy"

"Alright" Phil began, figuring that it was his turn, "I wanna talk about something, I wanna talk about-"

"I'd like to..." Alan interrupted, apparently tipsy after one shot by the way his words were slurring, "I'd like to say something I've prepared tonight"

He reached into his pocket and drew out a crumpled piece of paper. There was a crunching noise as he unfolded it, and began to read.

"Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. Haha" Phil shared an incredulous look with you, before turning his attention back to Alan, "You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later," He appeared to be struggling to explain properly, "And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, Phil and Stu, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. And today, when I met you, _______, I couldn't believe it. I'd never thought that a she-wolf would join the wolf pack, especially one who kills people for fun"

"I don't-" You tried to butt in, but you were silenced with a glare from the speech-giver.

Meekly, you just snatched the bottle of Jägermeister from Phil's hands before taking a swig from it, and then pouring yourself another shot. Alan continued like you'd never even spoken;

"Four of us male wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas" Alan cried, and then looked at you, "And one female wolf, for whom us males will all have to fight eachother for the pleasure of mating with-"

You almost spewed up your drink in shock, and Phil, Stu and Doug appeared equally freaked out by the speech.

"Nope" You choked as Phil pounded you on the back with his fist, "That's never going to happen"

"-Looking for strippers and cocaine!" Alan cried, eyes glinting crazily, "So tonight, I make a toast!"

Phil grabbed your arm and yanked you back as Alan pulled a penknife from his pocket and flipped it open.

"What?" Stu yelled.

"Whattaya got there!?" Doug was alarmed.

Phil recoiled, dragging you with him as Alan proceeded to draw the penknife over his skin, cutting it deeply.

"What the fuck!?" He roared as you shrieked in horror.

"What are you _doing_!?" Doug shouted, staring at him.

"I swear to God, if you get blood on my dress I actually will go and fucking murder you!" You yelped.

Alan let out a loud, long groan of pain, and Phil found it kind of creepy how he maintained eye-contact with them all all through it. Well, he found it _creepier_. Cutting your palm open to 'make a toast' was pretty fucking creepy in the first place.

"What is that?" Stu practically screamed in a shrill voice.

"Blood brothers" Alan hissed, glancing around at you all.

"Dont'-" Stu cried.

"Dammit" Doug commented, and Phil got the feeling that he was really regretting bringing him along tonight.

"Here" Alan held out the knife to you all.

"Alan, no, Alan" Doug warned sternly.

"I'm not doing that" Stu bleated, looking at the soon-to-be groom, "Make him stop"

"Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves. Give me the knife" Doug slid forward slowly and hesitantly, like he was approaching a wounded animal.

Phil was ready to intervene at any minute if Alan tried to do something dangerous, but luckily he didn't. Doug took the knife off him and threw it away. Alan, mumbling in pain, just held his palm up to his mouth.

"What the fuck was that?" You asked.

"You alright, you okay?" Phil looked at Alan while rubbing your back reassuringly.

Alan nodded.

"Do you need a doctor?" Phil continued.

"Don't ask Stu then!" You blurted suddenly, "He's not a real doctor! He's only a dentist!"

"Thank you, ______, for that valuable input" Stu rolled his eyes, as Doug answered Phil.

"He's fine, he's good"

"I'm good" Alan grunted out, and there was an absence of warmth as you moved away from Phil's side.

"Perfect" Phil announced, desperate to try save this evening, "Get in here, buddy"

"Get in here, crazy" Doug said as fondly as he could manage.

Alan moved beside you, and you didn't look all too pleased. Instead of shoving him away or anything, Phil just heard you lean over and whisper:

"You know it's never a good idea to take out a knife near a murderer"

Alan's eyes went wide, and you turned back to Phil with a snigger on your face. It looked like you had decided to use the situation to your wind-up benefits.

"Alright" Phil said as everyone around in a circle.

He glanced down at you beside him, only to see you gazing up with an almost shy expression on your face. There was something tender in your eyes, he decided. Maybe after a few more shots of Jäger you'd be willing to tell him why.

"To a night the five of us will never forget" He promised, grinning widely.

In the distance, the sound of Flo Rida's 'Low' began to play from some club, and you all lifted your drinks into the centre of the circle to bang them together.

"Cheers!" Everyone cried in unison.

The lights pulsed in the city around you, and a light breeze barely stirred your clothing. It was a truly magical looking night. Smiling at you coyly, Phil raised his glass to his lips, and drank.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola! So yeah, I'm back for the latest upload *Regal trumpet sounds announcing my return*
> 
> I would have updated sooner, but the past week I haven't really been in a hardcore writing mode. I guess I've done so much of it these past few weeks that I needed some time off. I still kinda feel it, to be perfectly honest, but I felt like I had to sit down and force myself to write today, cuz I really need to get this story started up.
> 
> Sorry to any of you (Ally, Amna) who I regularly talk to over Tumblr, I haven't been replying because I HAVE been out a lot this past week, and I go through Tumblr only when I'm standing on the bus. It's hard enough to scroll through my dash when I have people trying to read my screen over my shoulder, but I just really don't want them reading my private conversations too, ya get me?
> 
> Hope you're all well, thank you for the kudos, comments, subscriptions and all that jazz! Hope you like this chapter, it's not overly long as I'm home alone today and tomorrow and need to go wander off to the shop to buy some milk and other supplies before the place nearest to me closes! If there are mistakes in this, (there always are,) I'll fix them later!
> 
> Let me know how you like it, anyhow. And if you guys are interested in having a private chat, or anything, shoot me a message on my Tumblr; rennered-me-speechless (yes, I'm a massive Jeremy Renner fan as you may have guessed. GO CLINT BARTON!)
> 
> Hope you're all keeping well! Toodle pip! x

**You**

 

You were just about beginning to wake up.

It was dull, full conciousness was still a bit off, but you were aware of that distant throbbing that signified a momentous hangover. You were lying down, on something hard, cold and smooth, but you just about registered the blanket you were cocooned in, and a warmth at your side that contrasted completely with whatever you were lying on. A low groan escaped your lips, and the warmth moved as something shifted beside you, tugging you closer. You felt your eyes begin to droop shut, and knew that you were drifting off to sleep once more.

Without warning, something smashed into your stomach, falling across your body and knocking all of the breath out of you. You let out a choking gasp, and rolled, the duvet tangling around your legs. There was a thud as whatever it was landed next to you, and terrified whimpering accompanied by another kick to your stomach as it scrambled away.

"The _fuck_?" You wheezed groggily.

But your voice was not the only one that rang out.

"Control yourself man, goddammit" Phil said, his voice close to your ear, "And can you put on some _pants_!?"

Your eyes snapped open, and you instantly cringed as the bright light kicked up the pain in your throbbing head. Gritting your teeth and ignoring the roiling nausea in your stomach, you peered up from under your lashes. The first thing you registered was that you had indeed been sleeping on the floor of the suite. And that you couldn't remember how you got there, or anything else for that matter. And that your dress was gone and your bra was on show to the entire population of the room. (Not that it particularly mattered, I mean, a bra covered the exact same amount of skin as a bikini did). Another sound to your left drew your attention, and you turned to see the person who tripped over you; Alan, sporting a brightly coloured necklace of rainbow beads around his neck. _And he wasn't wearing any fucking pants._ The sight made the nausea kick up another notch, and you knew that it would hit your gag reflex if you didn't divert your attention away soon.

"No, do not go into the bathroom!" Alan cried.

"Al, just calm down, it's me"

Phil was lying bare-chested against your side, and you knew it had been his warmth that you'd felt when waking up. He was kind of hunched over as Alan had just fallen over you both. One hand was raised, and he was squinting, trying to block as much sun as possible from hitting his face. _He also didn't appear to be wearing any clothes._

Immediately, you yanked the duvet up to peer under it.

_Oh thank God, he was wearing trousers._

However, your relief was short lived when you saw his belt buckle was hanging open, his trousers were unbuttoned, and why you may have been wearing a bra, _you had no underwear on_.

_Well. You couldn't even see a condom lying around. Shit._

"There's a tiger in the bathroom!" Alan yelled as he scrambled to his feet, quickly drawing your attention back to him.

"What's going on?" Stu asked dazedly from the edge of the sofa.

 _Do we look like we fucking know!?_ You wanted to scream at him, but then figured for once maybe you'd keep your gob shut.

"There's a tiger in the bathroom" Alan ranted, hand pinched the ends of his t-shirt together in between his legs to protect at least the smallest bit of modesty.

"Okay, _okay_ , Al! Al, I'll check it out" Phil reassured him, standing up unsteadily, and then reaching down to pull you to your feet.

You held the duvet together infront of your chest with one hand and he lifted you by the crook of the other. Once your feet touched the solid floor, you staggered into him slightly. His arms wrapped around your waist to hold you upright, and you ended up nose to nose with him.

He looked bad: Messed up hair, pale, dark rings underneath his eyes. And his breath reeked of alcohol. But you supposed you couldn't judge, with all the sickly appearance you all shared and make-up covering your face combined together you probably looked even worse.

"I... Need to go check it out" He mumbled as Alan hopped around in fear.

"Yeah" You blinked painfully, before pushing off him.

Giving you one last cryptic look, he staggered away. You swayed as you turned, and your gaze landed on Stu, who was sitting dazedly on one of the white sofas, surrounded by a huge mess of random crap. For some strange reason, you had the overwhelming need to be comforted by him. You had barely taken a step, when there was a yell behind you as Phil staggered back out of the bathroom. 

"Oh, holy fuck! He's not kidding!" Phil exclaimed, "There's a tiger in there!"

"No, there isn't" Stu refused to believe it, and you backed him up ~~for once~~.

"This is not a good time to be fucking around with us" You agreed, hugging the blanket closer as you sat down beside Stu and leaned your aching head onto his shoulder.

"Yeah!" Alan insisted, near tears, "It's big; Gigantic"

"You okay, guys?" Phil asked, looking at the two of you as he snatched his shirt up off the ground and put it on, moving closer.

"Did we..?" The question popped out of your mouth before you could stop it.

"I think so" He replied, looking unashamed.

You thought it over for a minute, and shrugged; "Okay"

It wasn't like it had been the first time anyway.

"I am in so much pain right now" Stu confessed, resting his head on top of yours as his arm wrapped around your side.

"God damn" Was Phil's response as he surveyed the room and sat down heavily across from you, "Look at this place"

You gazed around you. The apartment that had been so pristine and perfect last night was trashed. Curtains were ripped, vases smashed, the sinks overflowed. Broken glass littered the floor, and random items, food, and spilled drinks littered every single surface. You tried to jog your brain for any memory of last's nights events at all, but nothing came to mind.

"I know" Stu choked, "Phil, ______, they have my credit card downstairs. I am so screwed" He buried his face in his hands.

You found yourself rubbing his arm comfortingly and whispering reassurances, something that you never thought that you'd try again.

Alan burst back into the room; "How does a tiger get into a bathroom!? It almost killed me!"

You were suddenly burning with curiosity to go see this tiger, and rose to your feet. You tried to take a step forward, and almost dripped over the bottom of the duvet. Glaring down at it, you figured you needed to go get dressed. Patting Stu on the shoulder once more, and giving Phil a nod, you hoisted the blanket upwards and took off towards your room.

"Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants? I find it a little weird I have to ask twice" Phil said to Alan.

"Pants at a time like this? I don't have any pa..." Alan mumbled frantically.

As you passed by him, you pointed to a towel in the corner of the room which he could use to wrap around his waist. He thanked you hurriedly.

"Don't thank me, just put it on before you blind me" You growled, thinking that you would become the murderer he thought you were for some aspirin right now.

"What the fuck happened last night?" You heard Phil say, sounding like he was smiling slightly.

Of course he would be the one who found all this highly amusing. and he was probably also pretty happy that he seemed to have scored with you.

"Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?" Was the final thing you heard before you shut the door to your room and threw yourself onto your bed.

You were kinda glad that you'd managed to escape before Stu noticed. Your head was in no condition to listen to his shrieks up close.

 Staggering back into your room, you stumbled into the bathroom. You literally fell onto the sink, only just about managing to brace your hands against the side to hold yourself upright. Feeling seriously ill, you raised a haggard head and stared at your reflection in the mirror. You were right. You did look like shit. Your hair had the appearance of some kind of deranged hobo's, and your mascara was smeared around your eyes. You were a sickly pale colour, and it was more than obvious that you'd had a rough night.

Sighing loudly, you turned and moved to the shower. You flicked the cold water lever on, and stripped. After you had kicked your clothing to one side, you stepped into the shower, closing your eyes and shivering as the freezing water trickled down your skin. It was kind of uncomfortable at the start, but when you adjusted to the temperature it became quite enjoyable. It also helped amazingly well with the hangover, decreasing your headache by a significant amount. After a few minutes of relaxing, you quickly shampooed and conditioned your hair using the hotel's complimentary products. Knowing that the boys would not wait forever, you hopped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. Wrapping it around yourself, you hurried from the ensuite bathroom and back into your room. You threw open your suitcase and rifled through it, throwing on a horizontal striped black and white top which had sleeves going down to your elbows, and pink shorts. You finished off the look by throwing on a gold chain necklace and the pair of shoes that you'd gotten on a shopping spree with Tracey last week. You dabbed on some concealer and light foundation to get rid of the bags under your eyes, and applied some eye make-up. As you were pretty much the expert at having to put on make-up at the very last minute (from all the times you'd woken up super late for work), the 'shower-dress-and-make-up' ordeal only took around twenty-five minutes. Satisfied with your touch-ups, you headed back out into the hall to find the guys. 

Suddenly, you remembered something.

_Where the fuck was Doug?_

_You hadn't seen him at all this morning._

Chewing your lip, you just shrugged to yourself. You figured Doug might have been sleeping in one of the other rooms, or he was already downstairs having a coffee.

_Mmmm, coffee..._

Licking your dry lips, you wandered out to the boys. They were all standing waiting for you.

Well, when I say _all_ , I meant minus Doug.

And plus a _baby!?_

"What the fuck?" You replied, staring at the infant strapped to Alan's chest, "That's a baby"

"No shit, Sherlock" Stu rolled his eyes.

Apparently your phase of being nice to one another had once again ended.

"How the hell did you guys get a baby!?" You continued, " _Alan, where did you get it!?_ "

"I didn't take it!" Alan cried in indignation, "We found it in the cupboard"

The baby gurgled happily, drawing your attention to it.

"I think he likes you. Maybe because you're a woman" Alan commented, "Maybe you should take him"

"Nu-uh" You said fearfully, raising your hands and backing away, "Babies hate me. They always cry whenever I pick them up"

"Alan, you just keep it" Phil sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"How the hell did a baby get into the cupboard?" You bleated, feeling defeated.

"No one knows" Phil replied, moving forward to drape an arm around your shoulder, "Now, if you don't mind; I'd like to go get some coffee"

You all trooped out of the destroyed room, pausing to flick the sign to 'Do Not Disturb' so that you could delay the inevitable scenario of the staff finding the place trashed for just a little while longer. After all nodding at one another in agreement while the baby just stared creepily at your face, you all entered the elevator. You and Phil rested against the back wall of the elevator, while Alan stood to your right with the infant against his chest and Stu stood to your left, holding a napkin to his mouth and looking like he was about to cry at any minute.

"Umm" Phil suddenly whispered in your ear.

When you raised your eyes to him he seemed a little uncomfortable.

"You know how we mighta..."

"Yeah?" You chuckled.

"I didn't see a, uhm, condom anywhere..."

"I didn't either" You replied, "But it's okay. I'm on the pill. My only worry was if you had an STD or something"

"Well, I, uh, don't" He laughed a little.

"Cool" You responded, holding out your hand for a bro-fist, "Still friends, yeah?"

He seemed to hesitate slightly, before touching his knuckles against yours; "Friends" 

For some reason, his statement made you feel a little weird. You had no clue why. You had been the one to say _' Still friends, yeah?_ _'_ so you had no right to feel kinda down when he agreed. Falling into silence, you turned back to face the metal doors infront of you and tried to figure out what the fuck was wrong with you. What the hell had you wanted him to say? 

Had you wanted him to reply with the whole corny _'I want to be more than just your friend'_   thing, and then kiss you passionately infront of Stu, Alan, and some random child you appeared to have kidnapped?

_Yes._  


The answer came unbidden to your mind.

_ Goddammit. _

"Why don't you stop worrying for one minute? Be proud of yourself" Phil said, and you froze as you thought he was talking to you and what had happened last night.

When you followed his gaze you saw he wasn't. He was talking to Stu. The dentist was shifting from foot to foot, and didn't turn around at Phil's words. It was something he did when he was about to bawl. He'd never face you all incase you started teasing him about his tears. Luckily for him, you were too wrapped up in your own jumbled thoughts and caffeine-craving to mock him as you usually would.

_'I need to talk to Doug about all this'_   You thought as the elevator _'pinged!'_ and an elderly woman got in.

She smiled at you all, but her eyes immediately fastened on the baby.

"Oh, how cute" She looked at the baby, "What's his name?"

There was a few seconds of silence as Alan didn't reply, but purely stared straight ahead. 

"Ben" Phil answered to avoid her getting suspicious.

"Carlos" Alan shot back straight after him, apparently having given it some thought.

Stu jerked upright, twisting around to share an incredulous look with you. Beside you, Phil just shook his head in exasperation, but didn't say anything. The woman was fake smiling, and just clasped her hands before her and didn't ask anymore questions.

"Carlos?" You hissed quietly, just about loud enough to be heard.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was a nice day outside. You stared around you at all the men in swim shorts, and women in tiny bikinis. Normally, you would have been out splashing in the pool with them, but due to your condition you opted that it was better to just put up the sun umbrella over the table you all were settled at and relax for a bit. Your steaming mug of coffee was placed infront of you, and you had felt well enough to have a few mouthfuls of dry toast. You were watching Phil through your dark sunglasses, waiting to see if he'd check out any of the scantily-clad women who shot him flirtatious looks as they flounced past your table. 

Even as bedraggled and sleep-deprived as he was, he was still a complete babe.

"Hey guys, look" Alan commanded.

The two for you looked over to see Alan controlling the baby's arm movements to make it like he was jerking off. You rolled your eyes and snorted, kinda wanting to take the kid away from Alan and his weirdness. You didn't though, you weren't exaggerating when you said that babies get upset whenever you hold them. It seemed like they were fine when other people were holding them, but as soon as one was placed in your arms all hell broke loose.

"He's jacking his little weenis" Alan chortled.

"Pull yourself together, man" Phil laughed, putting down his now empty cup of coffee and reaching over to take some of yours.

"Not at the table, Carlos!" Alan joked, and you found yourself letting out an amused puff of air from your nose.

Stu appeared back at the table, napkin still clamped to his bleeding gums.

"Well?" You asked, forgetting about Alan and the baby.

"I looked everywhere" Stu told you, taking a seat, "The gym, the casino, the front desk. Nobody's seen Doug. He's not here"

"He's fine" Phil tried to convince you all as you felt your mouth twist down into a frown, "He's a grown man. Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down. Here. Have some juice"

He tried to pass a glass of orange juice to Stu. The dentist took one look at it, and promptly threw up all over the ground, earning a huge chorus of 'EWWWWWW!' from you and a few girls sitting at a table nearby. Phil stared in disdain, and then threw his hands into the air in frustration.

"Alright, let's just track this thing" He pulled a pen out of his pocket, and turned his napkin over to a clean side, "What's the last thing you remember doing last night?"

"Well the first thing was we were on the roof, and we were having those shots of Jäger" Alan supplied.

Stu began to make a loud gagging sound as bile rose in his throat once again. You shuffled your seat further away from him, not wanting to get puke on your expensive clothing.

"And then we ate dinner at the Palm, right?" Phil added.

"That's right" Alan replied as you nodded, wrinkling your nose as the smell of Stu's sick assaulted the air.

"And then we played 'Craps' at the Hard Rock, and I think Doug was there"

"That sounds right" You spoke up, leaning forward to get a better look at what Phil was writing.

"No, no. He definitely was" Phil agreed.

Stu spoke up; "You know what, guys? I don't even remember going to dinner!" He threw his arms out, looking really pissed off.

"I know" Phil sighed, flinging his pen onto the napkin and leaning back, "Fuck! I don't think I've ever been this hungover"

"You and me both" You replied, resting your arms on the table and lying your head down on them.

"After the Hard Rock I blacked out" Alan laughed, appearing to be rather pleased with himself, "It was like emptiness" 

"Okay, we have up until 10 pm" Phil picked up the napkin again and reread it, "So that gives us a 12 hour window where we could have lost him"

"What is this?" Alan interrupted, inspecting something that he held between his fingers.

"Oh my God!" Stu exclaimed, lunging forward to take it off Alan, "That is my tooth! Why do you have that? What else is in your pocket!?"

"This is a good thing!" Phil gushed, grabbing your hand and squeezing it, "No, no! Check your pockets!"

You opened up your purse which had somehow miraculously remained with you last night, and rifled through it, pulling stuff out and dumping it onto the table. There was coins everywhere, money notes, a receipt from a gas station for a whole lot of vodka, and a few pieces of brocolli, which hadn't been there when you went out last night. Why the hell did you have brocolli!?

"Do you have anything?"

"Gas station receipt" You sighed, but it's for the one across the road so I'm not sure if it'll help us too much. I have the feeling and we went to more exciting and further away places than there"

"I have an ATM receipt form the Bellagio" Stu supplied, brow furrowed as he stared at the small piece of paper, "11:05 for _800 dollars_ "

"Looks like dinner was on you" You quipped, feeling a little bit more like your old self now that you had had some food.

"I am so _fucked_!" Stu continued.

"Like that bartender on Melissa's cruise ship" You whispered to Phil, who tried not to laugh.

"I have a valet ticket from Caesar's" Alan told you, "It looks like we got in at 5:15 am"

"Oh, shit. We drove last night?" Phil groaned, hands covering his face.

Alan continued to laugh; "Driving drunk, classic"

Stu stared at him incredulously, and then let out a vicious, sarcastic laugh.

Alan's grin faded, and he settled back. After a split second, he leaned forward again to tap Phil's wrist; "What's on your arm?"

Phil looked down, and then jolted in shock; "What the fu-"

"Jesus, Phil! You were in the hospital last night!" Stu exclaimed, jumping up.

"I guess so, yeah" Phil frowned in confusion.

"Let me see" You demanded in concern, pulling Phil's wrist away from Stu and towards you.

"Are you okay!?" Alan asked him.

"Yeah, Alan, I'm fine" Phil snapped as Stu massaged his own neck in agitation.

"What the hell is going on?" The dentist sounded defeated.

"Stu, this a good thing!" Phil replied earnestly, snaking his arm back from your hand and pointing at it, "We have a lead now"

"Hey, Stu. Watch this" Alan butted in again, taking Carlos arm and repeating the little act he had done earlier, "You ever seen a baby do that?"

For a split second you thought that Stu might laugh. Then the slight grin on died on his face, possibly because smiling hurt his gums, and he waved a hand to signify that Alan should stop.

"Alan, not cool" He decreed.

"Almost as not cool as Stu" You nodded.

Stu glared at you, and you could see the exasperation in his eyes.

"You're actually joking again? _Already?_ We haven't even found Doug yet"

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been away from this story for too long. Which sucks because writing it is extremely enjoyable as I watch the movie when I do. Sorry for the wait, I'M NOT GIVING UP ON THIS FIC! Hope you're all well, and that you had as fun and busy a week as I did! :D 
> 
> Mistakes will be fixed later!

**Phil**

 

Phil had his hands braced against the counter, talking to the valet. You stood beside him, with your back leaning on the counter, your head titled downwards so your chin rested on your chest, and your eyes closed behind your sunglasses. Despite appearing completely and utterly exhausted, Phil knew that you were listening intently to every word he exchanged with the guy at the counter. With the promise of the car being brought around in "just a moment," Phil finally was able to twist his head towards you, and nudge you with his shoulder to get your attention. You both set off walking back towards Stu, Alan, and the baby.

"Feeling okay?" He asked.

"Just worried about Doug" You bit your lip and stared at the pavement.

Your jokes seemed to have died down now that the gravity of the situation at hand had finally sunk in. You didn't often get truly serious, rarely ever, in fact, but the disappearance of Doug playing on your conscience appeared to have drawn it out. That made Phil pretty glad. At least he had someone else here who was capable of helping him make decisions. Stu was too emotional, Alan was too crazy, and Carlos... Well, the baby couldn't actually speak. As wild and immature as you may be at times, you had always been known to be level-headed whenever a situation arose.

"We'll find him, you know" He reassured you, giving you a one-armed hug.

You rested your hand briefly against his chest for a moment, sighing, before pulling away. You strode on purposefully, powering ahead of him. Phil just lifted the ticket that the valet had given him up to his face, and began to read the print on it. Maybe yesterday he would have stared at your rear as you walked away (yes, he most definitely would have), but this morning he had too much shit to deal with without throwing his feelings for you on top of everything. He wandered around the side of the group to stand beside Alan.

"Hey Phil, look, I don't think Doug would want us to take the Mercedes" Alan began, causing Phil to roll his eyes in exasperation behind his shades.

"Relax, what do we care" Phil replied, glancing at you for a hint of whether you agreed or disagreed with what he was saying.

"It's just that my dad is crazy about that car, and he left Doug in charge, and-" 

"Alan!" Phil snapped, cutting him off, "We have bigger problems, Doug could be in the hospital. He could be hurt. Okay!? Worry about the car later"

"Uh, guys" Stu said quietly, drawing Phil's attention to the fact that you and the dentist had been staring up at something above his head for the past few seconds, "Check it out"

Dreading what he was about to see, Phil turned a little unsteadily, and gazed up at the direction that Stu had indicated. 

There was an orange crane platform extended into the sky above his head, resting against the roof of Caesar's Palace. At least three construction workers standing on or around it were trying to work what appeared to be a mattress off one of the statues. Phil stared up at them, styrofoam coffee cup warming his palm as he tried to figure out how the fuck a mattress got up onto... _Shit._

"Is that the mattress from Doug's room?" Alan voiced Phil's thoughts.

"What the fuck!?" You exclaimed quietly from beside Stu.

Desperately wishing to be proved wrong, Phil sauntered over to a guy in an ugly green shirt. The man appeared to be a taxi driver, judging by how he was loading bags into the boot of the taxi. The rest of you all followed Phil as he moved forward.

"Hey man, what's going on?" He asked slightly nervously as he tried to seem nonchalant.

"Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night" The guy informed him, unaware that the man he was talking to had probably been 'that asshole.'

"No shit?" Phil found it hard to believe that you'd all chucked a mattress out of the penthouse suite.

_What if it had missed the statue and fallen onto the street, killing somebody?_

"Yeah" The guy continued, "Some guys just can't handle Vegas"

Phil tried not to make a face, and with that, the cabbie spun on his heel and strode back to the driver's seat of his car, leaving you all alone together once more. Silently, Stu started to tear up again. You took one look at him, and promptly moved as far away from him as you could get, leaving Phil to comfort him.

"It's gonna be okay, buddy" Phil reassured his friend, patting him awkwardly on the arm.

He then turned to share a look with you. You shrugged helplessly, avoiding looking in Stu's direction at all.

"How the hell are we..." Phil began, but trailed off as a cop car screeched to a halt infront of you all.

He got another sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him that things were going to get so much worse right now. The valet that he'd been talking to stepped out of the car, a cheery grin on his face. 

"Here's your car, officers"

_Well, fuck._

 "Oh, God" Stu groaned, swaying unsteadily.

"Alright, everybody act cool" Phil ordered, "Don't say a word. Let's just get in and go"

Stu stared at Phil in horror, while you just shrugged and sauntered towards the car, apparently unbothered by the fact you seemed to have stolen a police vehicle.

"Come on" Phil egged Stu on quietly, looking at him imploringly.

Stu rolled his eyes, but trailed after Phil as Phil followed you towards the car. Phil walked around the side you were getting on, ready to climb into the backseat. You, however, decided that you didn't want to drive and clambered into the backseat, humming as you did. It took a moment for Phil to place the tune, but when he did he realized that you were humming the battle music from the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe. Looking back, he remembered how much that you had adored that movie. He recalled it so clearly because you and him had seen the movie together, and then later on that day, back at his apartment, was the first time that you two had-

A loud squeal jolted him out of his thoughts and he jerked his head up to stare over the roof of the car. Carlos was crying loudly, while Stu and Alan frantically attended to him. From the sounds of what they were saying, the baby had been hit with the door. He glanced at you again through the window. You had your phone to your ear, obviously trying to stall Tracey who had been texting you all morning. Phil figured that since Stu claimed to have the title of 'doctor' so frequently, he could care for whatever was wrong with the baby. _You know, like an actual doctor would_. After a few seconds, Stu carefully opened the door once more, allowing Alan to slide in. Phil caught your fearful expression as you looked at the baby that was being buckled in next to you. It seemed like you still were afraid that he'd cry if you went near him. 

Much to your apparent delight, the baby looked up at your face and squealed with delight. Carlos cooed, reaching over and gripping your finger in his tiny hands. Your expression immediately softened, and a happy grin stole across your face as you reached out your other hand to stroke the baby's cheek. The baby giggled loudly, and Phil allowed himself a few seconds to watch you through the rear-view mirror. Your look of affection as you stared down at little Carlos made Phil realize that when the time eventually came; You'd make a pretty great mother. You glanced upwards, and your gaze locked with Phil's in the glass. You smiled shyly at him, which was unusual for you, and then turned your attention back to the baby at your side. For a single moment Phil found himself thinking of what it would be like to see you with _his_ child, a little boy with Phil's messy brown hair, and your eyes. Fuck, he was getting sappy. And he didn't care one bit.

"Phil?" Alan called from the seat on the other side of Carlos, "Aren't we going to the hospital?"

"Yeah. Right. Hospital" Phil repeated, shaking himself out of his trance and starting the engine.

You took off down the road, and you had only been driiving for around five minutes when you hit major traffic. It resulted in you getting stuck in a long, unmoving line of cars. It was a hot day, and after fifteen minutes Phil's temper and his temperature had flared. Phil beeped the horn of the stolen car in annoyance, before taking another swig of the now-cold coffee in the hopes that it would ease the dull ache in his head a little bit more. He really hoped that this fucking ridiculous traffic would move along sometime soon. If he was stuck for five more minutes in the car with Alan making a baby look like it was jerking off; Phil was going to kill somebody. Like it was funny the first time, but it got old after the seventeenth time that it was done.

"So illegal" Stu repeated again for like the millionth time.

"Can't you see the fun part in anything?" Phil interjected, gulping down his drink.

"Yeah, we're stuck in traffic in a stolen police car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back-seat. Which part of this is fun?"

 _Jesus fucking Christ._  

Without Doug here to calm the situation, Phil wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to put up with Stu. The guy didn't stop whining, and it wasn't very helpful when Phil was nursing a massive hangover and trying to think how to locate Doug and get him cleaned up before the fucking wedding tomorrow.

"Don't forget there's a tiger in our bathroom" You supplied.

"I think the cop car part is pretty cool" Alan told you all, causing Phil to snort a little.

"Thank you, Alan" Phil exclaimed, glad someone was speaking up for him, "It is cool. Doug would love it"

He then slammed on the horn, impatient to be on his way so he could get this fucking mess all cleaned up and behind them; "Come on!"

Carlos let out a dismayed gurgle from his place between you and Alan. Phil was so not up for listening to a screaming child, so he made a split decision that would cut your journey short. Flicking on the siren, he turned the wheel so that the car drove off the road, and up onto the pavement.

"Check this out" 

"No, don't do this!" Stu yelped fearfully, sitting rigidly in his seat.

"Take it easy" Phil reassured him, picking up the little speaker.

"You're just trynna call more attention to it" Stu argued, but Phil ignored him.

"Attention" Phil said into the intercom system, hearing his voice emerge tinnily from the speakers on the roof of the police car, "Attention! Attention, please! Move out of the way. I repeat, please disperse"

He could hear you laughing manically in the background, and Alan cheering.

"Fuck me, man. I want a go" You shouted, leaning forward to try rip it from Phil's grasp.

Phil twisted away to avoid your hands, laughing, and the car swerved dangerously along with his movements.

"Stop the car I wanna get out. Stop the car I wanna get out. Stop. Stop the car I wanna get out. Pull over" Stu was bleating repeatedly as Phil continued to try evade you as the car jerked from side to side.

"Rollercoaster!" Alan yelled from the back-seat, "Come on, Carlos! Put your hands in the air!"

"Ma'am in the leopard dress" Phil said, catching sight of something infront of him, "You've an amazing rack"

Alan was laughing loudly, Stu was spluttering in indignation and rage, and Phil grinned. He glanced over his shoulder to catch the glare you were giving him.

_If looks could kill..._

"So, are you pissed because I flirted with her, or because I won't give you this?" He asked cheekily.

"Side-walk! Get off the side-walk!" Stu screeched, drawing back Phil's attention.

"I shouldda been a fucking cop" Phil stated, enjoying himself intensely.

Stu screamed as the car ran over a garbage can.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Look, I already told you. You came in with a mild concussion, a few bruised ribs. No big deal" The doctor told you all from where he sat infront of his ancient, wrinkly patient, "Though none of you could articulate how it happened"

Phil glanced at you, and he could tell that you were thinking the same thing. None of what the doctor had told you was in any way helpful in finding Doug. 

"Do you remember how many of us were here?" Phil tried again.

"Uhhh" The doctor said as he shone a flashlight down the elderly man's throat, "I don't know. I think it was just you guys... And girl. Definitely no baby. And one other guy"

"That's are guy!" Stu exclaimed hoarsely as Phil smiled triumphantly, "Was he okay?"

"Yup, he was fine" The doctor told you as he pulled on a pair of rubber gloves, "Just whacked out of his mind. You _all_ were" He helped the old semi-naked man to his feet, "Alright, come forward. And turn..." He tugged the man's underwear down to his ankles.

Phil and Stu twisted away immediately, while you let out a gasp of horror and recoiled, grabbing Phil's hands to put over your eyes. You all turned away, except for Alan, who was watching the entire thing with interest.

"I can never unsee that" You whispered miserably as Phil risked a glance over his shoulder.

He turned back around, having the certainty that there was a distinct possibility his breakfast would make a reappearance. eventually, the doctor seemed to be finished and Phil and Stu turned back around slowly, standing inbetween them, you followed after a few seconds when you figured that it was safe enough.

"Guys, I've really got to go. I've surgery on the fourth floor" The doctor apologized, taking off his gloves.

"I know" Phil interrupted, taking out a wad of cash and holding it up infront of the man, "But we just need a couple more minutes of your time"

The doctor hesitated for a few more seconds, before nodding, "Yup. Tuck it right in there" He indicated to his coat pocket, "I don't want to re-sterilize. Walk with me" 

Like obedient ducklings, you all trooped after him down the hall.

"Okay, here we go" The doctor announced, flipping open a file, "Patient name: Phil Wenneck. 3.45 am arrival. Minor concussion, as I think I said, some bruising, pretty standard"

Stu leaned forward over his shoulder; "You mind if I take a look? I'm actually a doctor"

The man looked at him in disdain; "Yeah. You said that several times last night" He told him, "But _she_ " He pointed at you, "Continually informed us that really you're just a dentist"

Stu shrank back in embarrassment, and you giggled.

"Okay, this is interesting" The doctor continued as he flipped over the paper, "Phil and ______'s blood-work came in this morning. Wow"

"Wait, you tested me?" You asked in confusion.

"We thought it was best" The doctor replied in annoyance at having been cut off, "When a girl who was as out of it as you were comes in, it's always better to make sure there's nothing amiss. We found a large amount of ruphylin in both your systems"

"Ruph..?" Phil asked, becoming worried as a nervous expression crossed your face.

It wasn't often that something unsettled you.

"Ruphylin" The doctor explained, "Roofies? Commonly known as the date-rape drug?"

Fear began to trickle into Phil's gut as he looked at you. If someone had... If someone had... And he hadn't stopped them... He'd never forgive himself. He was so afraid to ask the question, but he needed an answer.

"Was she-?" 

"No" The doctor said, "When she came in last night highly intoxicated with four guys we took the opportunity to run some all those sorts of tests. There was no sign whatsoever of forced sex"

_Oh thank God._

"Not for her, anyway" The doctor finished.

_What the fuck was that meant to mean?_

Phil began to splutter, trying to blow it off as laughter; "What are you saying? I was... Raped, last night?" 

"Actually" The doctor said, flipping through the pages again.

Phil glanced at the rest of you. Alan looked like he didn't know what was even happening, Stu looked apprehensive. It was you tht took most of his attention, though. The relief at knowing that you were fine had dissipated after hearing of Phil's possible situation. The worry in your eyes as you looked at him was making his stomach twist in unpleasant ways.

"I don't think so" The doctor amended, "But someone did slip you the drug. and I'd say if the two of you both had it, all of you did. I'm not surprised you don't remember anything"

"How could someone have drugged all of us?" Phil wondered aloud.

"Guys, I wouldn't worry about it. By now that stuff's out of your system. You're gonna be fine. I have to go"

"Wait wait wait!" Stu begged, holding up his hand and looking at him imploringly, "Please, doctor. Is there anything else? Like something we may have been talking about, or some place that we were going..?"

After a second of thought, the doctor spoke again, "Actually, there was something. You guys kept talking about some wedding last night"

"Yeah, no shit. Our buddy Doug is getting married tomorrow" Stu said as you sighed in exasperation beside him.

"You know what, I want my hundred back" Phil made a grab for it, feeling extremely pissed off.

"No no no. Easy" The doctor stopped him, "You kept talking about some wedding that you just came from. at the, uh, Best Little Chapel. You guys kept saying how sick the wedding was, and getting all crazy about it"

"We crashed someone's wedding?" You wrinkled your brow, "Who the fuck has a wedding in the middle of the night?"

"Okay, I hope this helps, fellas. I really have  to leave" The doctor began packing up to go.

"Best Little Chapel" Phil repeated, snatching a pen of the secretary's desk and poising it to write, "You know where that is?"

"I do" The doctor dead-panned, "It's at the corner of Get A Map And Fuck Off"

Phil's head rose slowly as he tried to restrain his temper. From the corner of his eye he could see the shock on Stu's face behind him. He also heard an angered 'harrumph' from you, and knew that it was only a matter of seconds before you said something to get them all into trouble.

"I'm a doctor" he continued, "Not a tour guide. Figure it out yourself, okay? You're big boys"

With that, the doctor turned on his heel and strode off. You watched him go with venomous eyes.

"I am _not_ a _boy_ " You growled.

"I know" Alan laid a comforting hand on your shoulder, "Being a boy is cool, but I'd say being a murderer is way cooler"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hadn't had a murderer jokes in a while, so I figured it was time to keep up the trend. Let me know what you think, it really does motivate me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! This chapter took me ages to write (I keep getting distracted), but figured I'd upload it now (even though it's kinda short) because you guys deserve it
> 
> Thank you for all your kudos, comments, bookmarks and subscriptions. You rock.

**You**

"Here" You instructed, pointing to the right with one hand while the other was wrapped around the baby on your lap.

Miracles apparently did happen, because Carlos wasn't screaming. He was gurgling happily as he tore apart some paper you'd given him, as content as you had ever seen anyone. He looked up into your face as the sound of your voice, and squealed delightedly at you. You grinned back at him, and bent down to press a kiss to the top of his hair. You still couldn't believe he wasn't throwing a hissy fit over being held by you. It had all happened when he kept trying to get closer to you as you all drove along in the stolen cop car. He had been tugging at your sleeve and babbling away to you in baby language. When Alan tried to move him back over into the middle of the back-seat, he had started to cry. Carlos had only quietened down when your hands wrapped around his little body in a nervous attempt to comfort him, and, spurred on by that, you had chanced lifting him up.

And now here you were, as happy as anything. He really was a nice little kid.

If it wasn't for the cops that would no doubt be looking for him, you probably would have decided to keep him.

The car jerked to a halt, and your grip on Carlos tightened automatically. You had often carelessly dropped thing before (no kids, though), but you really didn't want drop what was probably was of the few children who you actually _liked_. Carlos giggled, his little legs kicking against your knees.

"What about the baby?" Alan asked as the boys began to get out of the car.

"I can take him" You smiled down at the child on your lap.

"Just leave him in the car" Phil instructed, "We're only gonna be five minutes"

"Phil, we're not leaving a baby in the car" Stu argued, and you nodded vehemently in agreement.

"We're not" You stated firmly, and Phil turned his slightly exasperated gaze upon you.

"Look, ______, what if Doug's in there and we need help to carry him out or something? The baby will just get in the way, and we'd need all the help we could get"

You chewed your bottom lip uncertainly, but made no move to put the baby back into the car or bring it with you all. Phil sighed, and strode over to gently remove Carlos from your hands and place him back into the car. You hovered over him worriedly as he strapped the child back in. Straightening up, he turned to place two comforting hands on your shoulders, and stare into your eyes.

"I cracked the window. He'll be fine" He told you seriously.

You debated it for another few seconds, but then nodded slightly. You weren't fully convinced for it was a hot day out, but car was cool due to the air-conditioning, and if any of this took longer than ten minutes you would be going back outside to the baby. You weren't going to leave him alone for long on a day like this.

One of Phil's hands slid down from your shoulder to entwine his fingers around yours. His hands were firm, strong, and yet gentle. You found yourself outwardly flinching at the strange sensation you got when his skin brushed yours. It was a tingling feeling, accompanied by a deep sense of pleasure at the sight of your hand in his. You knew that you were staring at them, but you couldn't stop yourself as you silently wondered what the fuck was happening to you. This had been happening a lot recently, and you really didn't know what to do about it. Ever since Monaco you'd been thinking about him. Through all those years after it's events, you had missed his friendship. Sometimes to the point where you'd cried about it, and you barely ever cried about anything. 

Because one minute he'd been _there_ ; Your best friend, the man who you loved most in the world. And then the next second he'd been _gone_ , and you knew that the fault for that rested entirely on you. You were the one who had pushed him away, who had broken his heart.

He called your name softly, and you looked up into his concerned blue eyes.

"He'll be okay, you know?" He said quietly, and you realised that he thought you were upset about having to leave Carlos.

"Yeah. Sorry" You straightened up and allowed him to begin to pull you towards the chapel.

You still kind of enjoyed how letting go of your hand didn't seem to cross Phil's mind. He was so good to you, as he always had been, and you really needed that right now. As you stepped in through it's cheerily decorated front doors, you thought about what was happening to you. Yesterday you were still you, still a wild, immature party-freak, and now you were a worried, fretting woman.

_Like what the actual fuck? How does someone, especially you, change that much in the space of twelve hours?_

You decided to blame Doug's disappearance for all of this new-found seriousness. 

_Words will be had, Doug. As soon as we find you, words will be had._

"What if they don't remember us?" Stu asked suddenly, and you were broken out of yet another trance.

"Well, let's just find out" Phil decided as he leaned one arm against the counter-top, and moved his other hand over yours so now your hand was sandwiched between both of his. 

Next second he spotted a man up at the alter, and tugged you along with him as he moved forward.

"Excuse me, sir?" He called out, and the man turned on his heel.

As soon as he saw you all, he let out a loud laugh of joy and rushed forward. His hands were extended infront of him in greeting, and he wore a beaming smile upon his face.

"Look at these guys!" He yelled at the woman who was rearranging the flowers on the wall, "What happened!? You miss me!? You miss Eddie!? Or are you back so Phil  and ______ can get married now!?"

Your head tilted in confusion as you stared at him. Quickly glancing at your friends, you saw that they all wore the same baffled expression.

"You want more from me!?" The man cried loudly.

Next second Phil's hand broke away from your own as he was hugged by the man.

"How are you, my friend!?" The man - Eddie - exclaimed as he thumped Phil's back.

From there he turned his attention on to Alan. The bearded man was looking rather pleased as Eddie grabbed his face in between his two hands and shook him lightly.

"This guy! You fucking crazy!" He shrieked as Alan was also pulled into a hug, which he gladly returned.

"What's going on!?" Eddie yelled as he shifted his focus to Stu, "Listen, I'm gonna tell you something. I know some sick people in my life, this guy" He gestured at Stu fondly, "Is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life"

"This guy?" Phil asked in disbelief, though he was trying to smother a smile.

"This guy is out of his mind!" Eddie confirmed, and then embraced a rather stiff Stu, "What's up you crazy motherfucker!? Thought he was going to eat my dick" Eddie told you all, before finally looking at you, "And you, eh! I was not going to forget you, the princess! I tell you, if I was not married, and you were not with Phil, I would be after you in heartbeat! You just as crazy as the rest of these fuckers, eh!?" He grabbed you into a bear hug and planted a kiss on your forehead before turning back to you all, "So? No love for Eddie? You don't hug me?"

"Oh no" Stu protested as Phil snuck an arm around your waist and pulled you against his side, "It's not that, Eddie. Just, uh, just that... We're having a hard time remembering what happened here last night"

"Was there a wedding here?" Alan butted in, "Do you do weddings here"

Eddie laughed, probably because he thought that you were joking; "You are cracking my balls, man?"

_What?_

"Okay, um" Phil began, rubbing a hand over the lower part of his face in agitation, "Eddie, obviously we were here last night. We're looking for our friend Doug, do you remember him?"

"Yeah, the small guy? Like a monkey?" Eddie said, holding his hand out to gesture at Doug's height.

There was various sounds of amusement from you all as you agreed with what he said.

"You saw him!" Stu exclaimed.

"Of course!"

"Is there _anything_ you can tell us about what may have happened last night?" Stu pleaded.

Eddie looked at you all in amusement as Stu stared at him, waiting for one of you to start laughing to show it was all a joke. After a few seconds of examining all of your completely serious faces, his grin faded slightly.

"You don't remember nothing?"

"Not a thing" You supplied awkwardly.

"So, you are not here to get married?" He asked you and Phil.

"No" You shot back, disentangling yourself from Phil's side, "We're not even together"

"Eh?" Eddie appeared completely bewildered, "But you said you were last night! You did the kissing, the 'I love you's. It was all very romantic, no?"

"We were drunk, Eddie" Phil said uncomfortably as he shifted from foot to foot, "And drugged" 

"Wow" Eddie said solemnly, "That sucks, my friends! But you hang on for Eddie, okay? I go get you something that may help!"

The next second he had hurried off, and you were once again left alone with the boys.

"The 'I love you's?" Alan asked, and you winced.

"Shut up, Alan" Phil snapped, and you gave him a nod of appreciation while Alan just folded his arms and huffed in indignation.

Eddie was back the next minute, clutching a square object wrapped in paper under his arm. He unwrapped it infront of you to reveal a cream coloured hardback cover, with a heart in the middle. His fingers appeared in your view once more as he set it on the table and flipped it open to reveal a picture of Stu holding hands with a very pretty blonde woman who you couldn't remember ever seeing before in your life. She was gazing at him as he held her hand, and he was smiling into the camera, looking like he was about to cry from happiness.

You snorted loudly as Stu let out a cry of despair and clamped a hand to his mouth.

"Congratulations, Stu! You got married!" Alan exclaimed as you all stared down at the book.

"Please tell me that I was the Maid of Honour!?" You crowed.

"You were" Eddie supplied, and you whooped.

"This can't be happening" Stu groaned as Phil turned the page to a picture of Stu piggy-backing his new bride as she pointed at the ring on her finger.

"She seems fun. I like her already" You commented dryly, lapping all of this up.

Phil changed to another picture, one of all of you. Alan stood on the far left, turned away from everyone and looking like he was about to nod off right there. Doug (Doug!?) had his arm around him, keeping him in the picture, though he also looked like he was about to collapse at any given second. Stu's wife stood on Doug's right, yelling at the camera, while Stu stood beside her with his hand cutting across their bodies to squeeze her boob. You were beside him, in between him and Phil, with your arms around Phil's waist, and brandishing a candle-stick in your hand like it was some kind of medieval weapon. Phil was staring at you dazedly, seemingly wondering what the fuck that you were doing. All the boys were in blue suits, while you had obviously changed sometime beforehand and was now wearing a top that said 'I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on' over a knee length dress that was the same colour as the suits that the boys had on.

"Oh, God!" Stu wailed when he saw the picture.

"Accurate" Phil scoffed, pointing to the slogan on your top.

He got a glare in return, and a sharp elbow to his side.

"I have awful drunk fashion sense" You said forlornly.

Stu apparently decided that he couldn't look anymore, so he threw the book away from him and stepped back, letting out another sound of despair. Phil moved forward to take his place, and you jostled in to get a look at the rest of the pictures.

"I'll tell you one thing, though" Phil chuckled as he looked back at the picture of Stu giving her a piggyback, "You look seriously happy here"

You pushed his finger out of the way and turned the book to get a better look at the picture of the girl fake-kicking in the neck as he crouched on the ground and made a constipated face.

"My life is over" Stu started being over-dramatic again.

"You don't have a life" You shot back, glad that Stu's situation was now bringing some of your sense of humour back.

If Stu had heard you, he gave no sign of it (but then again, he had to learn to block you out one day. Maybe today was that day).

"Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens" Phil tried to calm him down, "Come on, Melissa's not going to know anything about this. This never happened. I'll take care of it all"

Just then Eddie arrived back with the woman you had seen when you came in. He was directing her as she was carrying a rather large box, no, _two_ boxes, in her arms. Eddie gestured to a spot near the counter, and she stumbled over there to lay it down on the ground.

"The fuck is that?" You asked, leaning over the counter.

"The High Roller package. It's what you ordered. I have coffee mugs" Eddie replied as he opened up one of the boxes.

"What?" Stu groaned, looking like he was about to wring his own neck.

"You have baseball caps, huh?" Eddie appeared oblivious to the dentist's turmoil, "And fancy calendars. All with pictures of Stu and Jade"

"Her name's Jade?" Phil asked as you and Alan immediately snatched up the caps to put on your heads.

You both looked at one another appreciatively, and then high-fived.

"Yeah, and she's beautiful, man" Eddie replied, "Clean, very tight, tits like this" He held his hands out from his chest and squeezed imaginary boobs, "But that's because she had a baby"

"That explains the baby" Phil called to a pacing Stu as you and Alan flipped open a calendar to check it out.

"Carlos! Carlos!" Alan cried in realisation, and you froze.

_Carlos!_

"Phil, we need to go back out" You bleated.

"Okay, one second" He promised you, touching your arm affectionately and then turning back to Eddie, "Look, here's the deal. We made a mistake last night. We need to get this marriage annulled, immediately. You do anulments?"

"Of course I do anulments" Eddie replied, "It breaks my heart, and gonna make me very sad, but it's no problem. Good price for you. But I can't do it with just him, though. I need the chick. I need both parties"

"Not a problem" Phil replied, and you knew that he was just saying that for Stu's benefit, "That's great. Isn't that great, Stu? Come on, buddy, she probably knows where Doug is"

"Awesome" Stu replied sarcastically.

"Alright, okay" Phil trailed off, "We need her address. She must have filled out some paperwork, right?"

"Of course" Eddie responded and then turned to the woman, "Eh, excuse me. What is the matter with you? Go and get the paperwork. I spend my life waiting for you, come on! and get the baklava please!"

Phil wandered off to go calm down Stu a few metres away, and you took the chance to sidle up to Eddie in private (as Alan was also distracted by the calendar).

"I want one copy of all this stuff" You gestured to the boxes of Stu-Jade merchandise, "Shipped to my address. I have a feeling that Stu will make sure that these boxes don't make the trip home, but I want a permanent reminder of all this"

"Yes, yes" Eddie replied in a conspiratorial whisper, glancing up at Phil and Stu to make sure they weren't listening "I get pen now. Here you go, write down your address. Should be there by next week"

"Excellent" You smirked deviously as the nib scratched across Eddie's notebook.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry updating's been so long. Lack of motivation and busy lives are a writer's bane.
> 
> I'm attempting to write my own proper book. Hopefully I'll get it published (if I'm very lucky) and I'll tell y'all the title in-case some of you would be interested in reading it! (I won't tell you it now, purely because I haven't thought of the title yet and the plot isn't completely formed.
> 
> Sorry if there are mistakes, but I don't have a beta and I'm far too tired than to proof read now. They will all be corrected tomorrow (I just wanted to get this up today).
> 
> My next fics updated will be my "Avengers' Oneshots," and the "All That Cannot Be."
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos, comments, bookmarks and subscriptions!

** Phil **

Phil carried one of the boxes under his arm. The sun began to beat down on him as soon as he stepped outside, and he felt his head flare with pain. He knew he was dehydrated, hangovers did that to you, and that he probably should pop across the street to buy a bottle of water as soon as the boxes were packed into the car.

You were walking beside him, humming to yourself. You didn't seem to be feeling the adverse effects of the sun, though Phil was unsure if that was due to the Stu-Jade (who you had insisted on referring to as 'Stade') cap on your head that was blocking the rays, or if it was because you had always gotten over hangovers before anyone he'd eveer known in his life.

Alan was behind you, clutching the second box and wearing a matching pink cap, while Stu just tailed dejectedly behind everyone else.

"Hey Phil, what about my dad's car?" Alan pushed up so that he was walking on Phil's other side.

"I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back," Phil replied, not meeting Alan's eyes.

Next to him, you muttered exactly what he was thinking; "Or the remains of it, at least." 

"Then I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it," Stu announced as Phil dropped the box into the boot.

You had fled around the side of the car, and Phil could hear you cooing loudly as you scooped Carlos up into your arms. You walked back around to the group of men, the baby balanced on your hip as Phil looked at Stu in shock.

"Torch it?" he was almost positive that he'd heard wrong. "Who are you?"

"I dunno, Phil" Stu shrugged. "Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole situation is completely fucked."

"Like ______ was by Phil last night! Ayyyyy!" Alan interjected, twisting around to face you and holding his hand up for a high-five.

You stared at him for a few seconds, blinking rapidly, and then shook your head and turned back to the more saner two of the group. Alan's grin faltered, and his hand slowly dropped back to his side. Meanwhile, Stu was going into one of his freak-outs.

"These mugs," he growled, grabbing one and flinging it on the ground. "This hat!"

He snatched it of Alan's head and threw it down also.

"Hey!" Alan cried in protest, as your free hand immediately flew to your head to protect your own cap.

"This car!" Stu continued. "It's all evidence of a night that _never_ happened. This is why we're torching all of it."

"Woah woah woah woah!" Phil protested, unable to believe what Stu was suggesting. "I'm a schoolteacher, I got a life. I'm all for secrecy, but I'm not gonna torch a fucking cop car!"

"You don't have to!" Stu argued. "______ can!"

"Hey, when did you hear me offer to do that!?" you protested furiously.

"Oh, I don't know, ______," Stu snapped, wheeling around to face you. "Maybe because you were the pyro of our little group. You know, back in the days, before you slutted it up with Phil, and then broke his heart?"

Phil flinched, at both the memory, and the fact that he had a pretty good idea of how you'd react to that.

A look of pure rage crossed your face, and your lips twisted up into a snarl. There was a long moment of very tense silence as you almost seemed to swell with rage, towering above them to glare down at the dentist. The men watched as you adjusted the baby on your hip before moving forward threateningly. Stepping very close and invading Stu's personal space, you glared at him straight in the eye, and snarled quietly.

"Fuck. You."

With that you spun on your heel and marched back towards the car, sliding into the back-seat while still clutching Carlos in your arms. Alan let out a low whistle as you passed, as if to say 'wow. That was intense." Phil could hear you murmuring angrily to the baby, no doubt bitching about Stu. Phil raised angry eyes to the man in question, who seemed to have deflated once he realised exactly what he had said. The dentist shot an embarrassed look your way, and scuffed his shoes against the ground.

"I didn't mean that." he muttered eventually as he rubbed the back of his neck in agitation.

"It's not me you need to tell that to," Phil answered stiffly.

"Well it doesn't look she's going to burn it..." Alan added.

"Fine, I'll do it," Stu said begrudgingly.

Alan was silent for a few seconds; "Can I help?"

"Yeah. Thanks," Stu replied.

Next second a phone began to ring. It obviously wasn't yours, as you were in the car. It sounded a lot closer. Phi started to feel around in his pockets, just in-case it was his.

"Shit, is it Doug!?" He exclaimed.

A car door opened and your head popped out, wanting to know if it was your missing friend.

"I don't know I don't have one," Alan gave up his search for his phone.

"Is it Doug!? Is it Doug!?" Phil cried again, allowing himself to feel hopeful.

Stu pulled a phone from his pocket and groaned; "Agh, it's Melissa"

_Shit._

Obviously hearing this, your head disappeared as you yanked the door shut behind you, apparently still angry as Phil heard you call the dentist "Stu-Pid."

"Don't answer it," Phil commanded, slamming the boot of the car shut with more force than was necessary.

Both Melissa's neediness, and Stu's angry words were more than he could handle at the moment.

"I have to," Stu snapped. "She's called _twice_ already!"

"Can I ride shotgun?" Alan laid a hand on Phil's arm.

Phil shrugged him off irritably; "Don't touch me"

The schoolteacher walked around to the driver's seat of the car, and opened the door. Leaning back against it, he hung his head so he could peer into the car's interior and risked a glance at you. You were staring out of the opposite window, jaw set, and apparently determined not to make eye contact.

"You okay?" he asked quietly, ignoring the fact that Alan was present.

It was a few long moments before you answered; "Yeah, I guess"

"He didn't mean it," Phil tried to act as peace-keeper, but you cut him off.

"He did. And I... I guess..." You trailed off, and your eyes flickered towards the heavily listening Alan. "Can we talk about this later?" you begged Phil. " _Alone_?"

"Sure," he replied, his stomach starting to churn nervously.

Stu took this moment to wander back towards the car, and Phil made a 'hurry-the-fuck-up-motion' with his hands, and hung his head impatiently.

"Ah, it was really fun actually," Stu was saying in a high-pitched voice.

Phil hid a smile. Stu was nothing like you when it came to masterful deception, and was possibly the worse liar in the world. The exact opposite of you, who had once been able to bullshit the group's way into a concert when not one of you had tickets.

"It's kinda quiet, we just had a good time," Stu continued, and both he and Phil wordlessly decided that it was time to leave and slid into the car.

Stu was still talking to Melissa, and Phil raised his eyes to watch through the rear-view mirror as Alan leaned back to play with Carlos. You were glaring at Stu through narrowed eyes. The dentist caught your filthy look and quailed slightly. Apparently, he had not realised that sitting in the back would mean sitting in the same row as you. Phil could see that the only thing he was thankful for was that Carlos was between you both.

Not for long, though, as the baby took that opportunity to let out a noise.

"It would be so cool to breast-feed, you know?" Alan suddenly said to Phil.

_What the fuck?_

Phil stared at the guy next to him, kind of creeped out and disgusted at the same time. He honestly had no clue as to how this lunatic's mind even worked.

A loud screeching noise interrupted him before he could say anything, and an orange and black car slid to a stop just behind the cop car.

"The fuck..?" Phil trailed off, staring into the rear-view mirror.

A guy got out, and Phil could see the bat he carried in his hand. Immediately, Phil lunged forward and hit the button to lock all of the car doors. He twisted around to get a better look, and noticed that you were doing the same. His heart was pounding rapidly as one of the men smashed the bat against the side of the car.

"Get out of the car!" a deep voice roared.

"I don't fucking _think_ so?" was your sarcastic reply from behind him.

"They just started up the tractor," Stu was saying nervously. "I think it back-fired."

"Where the hell is he?" the man leaned across the bonnet to interrogate Phil.

"Hey hey hey," Phil tried to calm the situation. "Easy, easy! I think we're looking for the same guy, okay!?" 

The response was the other guy (who also had his own bat) smashing his weapon onto the windscreen. a large crack spread across it, and in the back seat Carlos began to cry. Phil could see you desperately shushing him as you rooted around in the pocket on the back of the seat in-front of you, obviously searching for something to help in the situation.

"What the hell, man!" Phil howled.

"Why would there be a baby?" Stu was still going on as Carlos continued to scream louder, "We're in a winery!? That's a, uh, goat."

"Stop being such a useless piece of shit!" you shouted angrily, glaring daggers at Stu.

"Where is he!?" the man demanded again.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Phil screeched.

The result was the bat being slammed down again.

"Sir, can you please start the tractor!?" Stu asked in a whiney voice.

Phil had had enough.

"I'm trying to but we're fucking blocked!" he snarled as Carlos' cries increased in pitch. "Aaaagh!"

Yet another bat hit the glass infront if him. Phil cowered back, knowing it couldn't take much more before it shattered.

"Hey!" Alan spoke up. "There's a baby on board!"

You swore triumphantly in the back-seat, and Phil heard a loud 'click' and Stu's exclamation of fear.

"Get out of the car!"

"It's baby goat!" Stu insisted. "It's a baby goat!"

"Calm down!" Phil pleaded again. 

Then something brushed his arm and he found you leaning past him, pointing something at the men.

"Don't fucking move!" you roared, and Phil realised that you had a gun.

"Jesus!" he exclaimed loudly. 

"Nope, just me," you shot back.

Phil couldn't believe that now of all times you decided to be a wise-ass.

"Where did you even find that thing!?" he lamented.

"In the pocket on the back of the passenger seat" was your grunted reply.

That was when another voice entered the mix as Eddie stepped out of the Best Little Chapel and started ordering the thugs away. 

"Get out of the fucking car!" the main guy ordered again, yanking a gun from the waistband of his jeans and pointing it dead at you.

"I SAID DON'T FUCKING MOVE!" you thundered in response.

"Phil, he's got a gun!" Alan bleated in alarm.

"No shit he's got a gun!" Phil exclaimed.

"I have a gun too!" You reminded them both.

Phil didn't want anyone to shoot anyone else. Well, to be perfectly honest he didn't want that guy to shoot _you_ , but he also didn't want _you_ have to shoot someone else. So that was why he did what he did next.

While everyone's attention was focused on Eddie, Phil used one hand to shove you back into the back-seat. You tumbled back, narrowly avoiding landing on Carlos. Phil lunged forward, starting the engine and yanking the car into gear. He sped forward, and there was a cry and a gunshot as the wheel ran over the foot of the thug with the gun. The cop car then crashed into the vehicle in-front, and there was a scream as you flew forward and smacked into the back of Alan's seat.

"He shot Eddie!" Stu was screeching from behind, off the phone at last.

"Fuck this shit!" Phil replied, throwing the car into reverse.

The car flew into reverse, crashing into the goon's yellow and black car. A chorus of terrified screams filled the air as the cop car crashed backwards through a bus stop. Glass pounded down onto the roof as the car slid out onto the road, almost causing a collision.

"Go go go!" Stu ordered, and Phil did what he asked and roared away.

"Okay!" Phil gasped when you all were safely on your way. "Oh, that was some sick shit."

"My... Head..." you groaned from the back-seat as Carlos' screams rang through the air.

"Who were those guys?" Alan demanded as Stu tried to comfort the crying infant.

"We're gonna be okay, everything's gonna be... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?"

Phil panted for air, trying to get his heart to to stop leaping around in his chest; "I've got no idea."

Stu was hyperventilating loudly, and you were letting out moans of pain. The dentist's phone began to ring once more, and Phil caught his look of fear as he read the contact name on the screen.

"Why don't you just let that one go to voice-mail?"

Stu let out a loud, false laugh, and you chuckled weakly beside him.

"That's a fake laugh, by the way" he apparently felt the need to clarify.

"Oh _shut up,_ " you groaned.

"______... You don't look so good," Alan suddenly piped up.

Phil glanced in the rear-view mirror once more.

It was true. The gun dangled limply from your fingers, and you were uncharacteristically pale and shaky looking. Your head was lolling back against the head-rest, and your eyes looked slightly glazed.

"When we crashed into that car in-front I was thrown forward," you explained. "I hit my head... I'm okay, though, just a little woozy."

"We'll stop off and get you some water in a few minutes," Phil promised. "Just let's get out of this area first"

 

* * *

 

"It's got, uh, Ted Danson, and Magnum PI and that Jewish actor..." Alan was rambling, holding Carlos steady in the baby-carrier.

"Shut up, Alan," Stu hissed.

Phil was walking behind them both, one arm around your waist as you leaned against him. It seemed like you had a very minor concussion from smacking your head, but you insisted that you were fine and that getting you looked at could wait until after Doug was found. Phil was still worried about you, however. You were fiercely independent, and the fact that you had asked for his help to walk inside worried him considerably. When he had offered to carry you, you had insisted that you just needed a tiny bit of help, and that once you got in out of the heat you'd be okay.

"What room was it again?" Stu called over his shoulder as his eyes scanned the doors.

"It's number eight twenty-five," Phil supplied as you took another swig of your bottle of water. 

He turned back to you to say something else, but then a loud gasp interrupted him.

"I've found him, I'll call you back!" 

A pretty blonde woman in over-sized sunglasses slammed her flip phone shut and let out a loud squeal and hurried towards them.

"Thank God, he's with his father! I was freaking out!"

She rushed over to unclip him from the carrier and scoop him up into her arms; "I missed you, sweetie," she cooed as she held in infant up in the air, over her head.

From beside him, Phil very distinctly heard you mutter _"Simba."_

"And I miss _you_ ," the woman- Jade, had now purred at Stu, before capturing him in what was probably the most awkward kiss that Phil had ever seen in his entire life.

Judging by the look on your face; It was the most awkward you'd ever seen too.

Stu let out a strange noise of protest, and she drew back. Clutching the baby in her arms, she faced you all once more and shook her hair giddily.

"What the hell happened to you guys!?"

 "Actually, we were hoping that you could tell us?" Phil spoke up.

"Well, what do you mean!?" Jade exclaimed, "I woke up this morning and I went to get you guys all coffee, and I came back and you were gone. ...Why are you all being so quiet?"

"I'm not being quiet," Stu said a little playfully, and Jade giggled loudly.

"Oh, you're so cute! Here, I gotta feed Tyler, come inside you guys," her hand wrapped around Stu's. "And ______, honey, you look so pale! What's wrong?"

She proceeded to pull her husband into the apartment, and you stumbled after them both. Right before he entered, Alan turned to Phil.

"You hear that?" he said unhappily. "The baby's name is Tyler"

"Yeah, I thought he looked more like a 'Carlos' too, bud," Phil patted him on the back and ushered him into the flat.

 

* * *

 

Jade had given you a glass of iced water and sent you into the bathroom to splash some water on your face by the time that the boys finally sat down on the sofa. She poured them all some iced tea, checked up on you once more, and then finally sat down to discuss last night's events with them all. Phil actually had no clue where to begin, how to tell this woman that Stu marrying her had been a mistake.

Of course it had to be him to do the dirty work, because Stu was too much of a coward to say it to her, Phil wasn't entirely sure that Alan understood the situation at hand, and you were trying to get rid of a concussion. All in all, no-one in Phil's present group was being much help. If Doug had been there, he would have known what to say.

"Okay, what's up?" Jade started. "You guys are acting really weird."

"Look, it's Jade, right?" Phil hunched forward, not sure what else to say.

"Very funny, Phil," the woman teased in response.

It only made Phil feel worse.

"Right, Jade," He ground the heel of his palms together, "You remember our friend, Doug?"

"Are you kidding? He was the Best Man at our wedding!" 

"And I was the Maid Of Honour!" You cried from the bathroom, apparently eavesdropping into the conversation.

"Some 'maid'" Alan sniggered quietly.

"Exactly" Phil ignored you, "Well we can't find him and we're getting a little worried"

"Oh my God!" Jade stared, "That is so Doug-!"

There was an explosive sound as beside Phil iced tea spewed from Stu's mouth at an alarmingly fast rate. It covered Jade's arm, but more noticeably, it covered Tyler. The child began to wail at once, and Jade immediately tried to comfort him.

Phil hung his head in exhaustion.

_Did Stu constantly have to be so fucking dramatic?_

"I'm gonna go clean him up," she informed the boys. "It's okay, Daddy didn't mean it..."

She walked away, into the hallway. Stu had both of his hands clasped in-front of his mouth, and was staring straight ahead at the wall opposite him.

"Oh my God."

"The fuck, man?" Phil questioned, glaring at him. "You gotta hold it together."

"Holy shit," Stu was rocking back and forth.

"That is super hot" Phil continued. "You should be proud of yourself."

"She's wearing my grandmother's ring!" Stu whispered at last, looking at Phil furiously.

"What?"

"The ring I was gonna give to Melissa," Stu clarified. "Remember, my grandmother's Holocaust ring?"

_Shit._

"Oh, fuck," Phil swore as his hand flew to his mouth.

"She's wearing it!" Stu repeated.

Phil could hardly believe what this day was turning out to be. Then Alan had to go and say something stupid.

"I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust."

Phil had the sudden, almost overwhelming desire to punch him in the face. Nothing came of it though, as Jade made her way back into the room.

"He's okay," she informed them.

"Oh good" Phil replied and Jade let out another sweet laugh.

It was kind of ironic how Stu could spend three years of his life with a complete bitch, and the one night accidentally meet and marry someone as nice as Jade apparently was. In a way, Phil kinda hoped that he might stay with her.

"Good," Phil continued as he forcibly pushed thoughts of Stu's love life out of his head and moved on to the original subject. "So, uhm, do you remember the last time you saw Doug?"

"Mmm, I haven't seen him since the wedding," she replied thoughtfully.

Phil leaned back and took a crumpled napkin and a pen out of his pocket; "Great, and um, we can't... What time was the wedding at?"

"Well" Jade shrugged her top down to reveal one of her breasts, "It was, um..."

Phil coughed loudly, uncomfortably. At the sound, your head poked out at the bathroom down the hall. You looked at him inquisitively, brow furrowed. When you finally caught sight of Jade's condition, your eyebrows skyrocketed, and you disappeared back into the bathroom.

"I guess it was around one," Jade was oblivious to what was happening. "Because then I had to go back to work and finish my shift, and then when I got out I headed over to the hotel with Tyler."

"And... Was Doug there then?" Phil desperately tried to keep his eyes away from her boobs.

"I didn't see Doug," Jade laughed. "You guys were passed out, the room was a wreck, so I just curled up next to Stu."

She made eye-contact with her husband, and made a 'RAWR' noise.

"Ooh," Phil said, shooting an amused look at his friend.

Stu nodded, looking nervous and then raised his hand in a weird little wave motion.

"I've got a question," he spoke up at last. "You said when you're shift ended. Does that mean that you're a nurse? ...Or a... Blackjack dealer?"

Jade giggled; "You know this, I'm a stripper!"

"Mmm hmm," Stu nodded, absorbing all this new information.

"Well, technically I'm an escort," Jade was honest. "But stripping is a great way to meet the clients."

Phil approved of this chick. 

Smiling at her openly, he commented; "Smart"

"S-Savvy," Stu forced himself to say.

"But that's all in the past now that I've married a doctor," Jade smiled.

Stu shook his head, and uttered the words that Phil would had never thought he'd heard him ever say:

"I'm just a dentist."

Jade cocked her head in confusion.

That was when the door to the flat was kicked down, and two gun-wielding cops burst in.

 

* * *

 

They were loaded into the cop car, all three of them. Phil was staring up at the door to Jade's flat, waiting for you to be marched out in handcuffs to join them. However, all he saw was the door to the apartment being propped up, and the male cop striding down towards the car.

"No-one else?" The female cop asked him as he slid into the driver's seat.

The man shook his head.

"Just the woman and the baby. I checked the entire place."

Stu started to speak, to tell them there was actually someone else in there. Phil elbowed him sharply in the side, knocking all air out of him. St let out a gasping noise, but luckily the cops seemed to notice. Alan was too busy staring at the cuffs on his wrist in awe to notice anything,

"Well, we better get these three back to the station," the woman sighed as the man stated up the engine.

Stu glared at Phil, but the schoolteacher paid no heed. Gazing back up at the apartment, he wondered what the hell had happened to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no! Any ideas on what happened to the reader!? (Anyone who guesses correctly will get imaginary cookies and ice-cream!)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry for lack of updates, life's been crazy. I haven't forgotten about my work, and I'll get to it when I can.  
> Please excuse any typeos, it's almost three in the morning here and I kept writing so I could get this up for you guys tonight because I feel like a terrible person for not updating. I'm too exhausted to proofread right now and will do so tomorrow. I hope you all are well!
> 
> Warning: This chapter mentions familial dysfunction. It doesn't go into detail, but it talks about broken marriages. I don't know if that's a big thing to be mentioning but I do like to warn you guys about anything that may cause negative emotions, because I wouldn't like anyone to get upset.

Jade was in the kitchen shakily making a bowl of pasta for her dinner. Her shift was starting in around two hours, and both she and Tyler needed to be fed before she dropped him off at the babysitters. She hadn't planned to go back to work since she'd married, but with her new husband in jail she figured that it was best to keep earning cash, just in case. Her gorgeous son sat in a high-chair, giggling loudly and playing with a toy octopus. He didn't seem to notice that anything was wrong, that an hour earlier the police had burst into their home and dragged away his father. Well, his step-father, but last night, under the eyes of all of his friends in the Best Little Chapel, Stu had promised to love Jade, and to love Tyler as his own.

That was all that Jade had ever really wanted for her son; A father figure. Someone to be there to teach him how to play catch, to call him 'sport,' and talk to him about the things that Jade, being a woman, couldn't. It had been her biggest fear these past few months... That the boy would grow up with no-one to make father's day cards for. She only wanted him to have one parent he wasn't embarrassed off.

Because she wasn't dumb.

Jade knew that being an escort wasn't a job that her son could be proud of her doing.

It was the only way to support them, though.

Or at least, it had been. Until she met Stu.

Just then, a loud crashing noise followed by a long stream of rapid cursing made Jade leap into the air, and had her dropping the saucepan of boiling water and pasta onto the plate a lot harder than necessary. Some of it splashed over the side, narrowly avoiding scalding her hand. There was another thud, and Jade realised that it sounded a lot more like _knocking_ instead of just random banging. Every knock was followed by an incomprehensible stream of irritated-sounding words, which all appeared to be coming from the closet sized hot press.

Slowly, Jade edged across the kitchen, snatching up a sweeping brush from the corner and holding it at the ready. No-one had ever broken into the apartment before,  but there was always a first time for everything. She crept over to the hot press door, located just down the hall opposite the bathroom. The knocking had gone silent, but Jade knew that there was most certainly someone in there. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to steel herself, she slowly counted down from five, exhaling out slowly as she did. When she hit zero, her eyes flew open.

With pure determination, she reached forward and yanked the hot press open. Skipping back, she raised the brush over her head and prepared to bring it down on anyone who might jump out and attack her.

There was nothing there.

Jade's brow furrowed in confusion, and the brush was lowered hesitantly.

That was when she heard it: A low, scuffling sound coming from the ground by her feet.

Jade watched with alarmed eyes as someone crawled out from underneath the bottom shelf of the hot press. Despite everything, she could barely believe that someone had managed to wedge themselves into such a small space. And it must be really dirty down there. She couldn't actually imagine the last time she'd swept that area.

The person was almost unrecognisable, hair matted and clothes rumpled. Jade winced as she heard a cracking sound as the figure stretched (it must have been extremely cramped under there). It was only when the person groaned loudly, and turned, flopping onto their back to gaze up at Jade, that she saw who it was. 

 "______?" she gasped, more in shock than anything else.

"Hey, Jade," you grinned tiredly.

There was a smear of dirt running down the side of your face, highlighting the still-slightly-sickly pallor to your skin.

She couldn't believe you'd been hiding in her house for the past hour. She'd wondered where you'd gone when you weren't frog-marched out and loaded into the cop car with the rest of the guys, but then she figured that you'd bolted through the open bathroom window. Heck, she'd even called out to you _just in case_ , and you hadn't answered. _What the heck were you even doing?_

"Why are you here!?" she leaned down to pull you to your feet.

You accepted her help, standing up and brushing the dust of your clothes.

"I heard the cops," you said simply. "I hid until I figured it was safe to come out."

"But _why_?"

You shrugged, and ran a hand through your tangled hair, frowning as you felt the knots in it.

"I can't get arrested again," you replied. "Or they'll send me to jail."

_'Again!?'_

That left Jade with far more questions than answers, but she was pretty sure that she'd never find out exactly what she wanted to know from you. She'd noticed last night that you had a habit of dodging questions you didn't want to answer with such skill that people usually forgot that you hadn't given them an answer. Sighing, and hoping the cops wouldn't come back to find her 'harbouring a fugitive,' she waved you back towards the kitchen, where Tyler was still cooing to himself in his high-chair. Your eyes followed her hand, and came to rest upon the pasta.

"You hungry?" she asked.

"Starved," was your enthusiastic reply.

 

* * *

 

"You didn't answer when I called," Jade said, watching you from the top of her bowl of food.

You had long since finished your own, wolfing it down ravenously. Now you were sitting on the sofa across from her, bouncing Tyler on your knee. You were so focused on the child that you didn't seem to be paying attention, but when you answered she saw that you actually were.

"I thought the cops still might be here, that they were getting you to call out for me so that they could nab me."

"They had gone. It was just me."

"They took the guys?"

There was a hint of worry in your tone, and Jade was pretty sure that she knew who it was about.

"Yeah. To the station. Don't worry, though, I'm sure he'll be fine," Jade leaned over to touch your arm reassuringly.

You stiffened, and drew back slightly.

"What makes you think that I'm so worried about _him_ ," you replied suspiciously.

Jade shrugged, looking at you with understanding eyes. "Because you love him."

"I don't," you said forcefully, but Jade sensed the desperation and... _fear_ causing your voice to tremor.

"______, you do," she replied patiently. "It's kind of obvious."

"Look," you started. "Whatever you think you saw last night, it was because I was drunk. Okay? I... I don't... Love... Him. I can't love him."

"Why not?" she pressed, holding your gaze.

Your eyes dropped down, away from Tyler on your lap, and landed on the edge of the sofa slightly to your left. Jade watched you stared down at it, thinking. You were chewing your lip in a worried manner, and to Jade there was something almost caged to how you were behaving.

"I can't love him," was all you managed to come up with. "I don't fall in love with people, full stop. Do you get me?"

You looked at her pleadingly, your eyes begging her to stop, but Jade was relentless. 

"You're a person, you fall in love," she told you calmly. "I don't get why you're ashamed about it, it's intricate to human nature. It's not like it's unnatural."

"It is to me," you muttered. "Besides, even if I... Hypothetically... Loved Phil, I couldn't tell him."

"Why not?" Jade repeated. "I saw the way he was looking at you last night, he adores you. He wants to be with you."

You winced at that, your grip on Tyler tightening unexpectedly so that he let out a startled squawk. You immediately leaned forward to apologise to him, kissing him on top of his head.

"Sorry, buddy," you smiled down at him. "Let's give you back to your momma, okay?"

Jade readily accepted him from you, bundling him up into her arms and beginning to rock him slowly. It was around his nap time, and she knew that the poor little mite would be exhausted after the long day that he had had. She knew she should put him into his cot, but after he went missing this morning she couldn't deal with being separated from him. She had been so worried, she wasn't ready to let him out of her sight at any time today. When Tyler had settled, and closed his eyes, Jade turned her attention back to you once more. She wasn't going to let you dodge any questions this time.

"What's the problem?"

You looked shocked at her question. "What?"

"There obviously has to be some kind of issue here," Jade pressed. "There's a reason that you're trying so hard to deny these feelings that I don't think you actually want to deny."

You were silent, and Jade knew for certain she had hit the nail on the head.

"Tell me," she instructed.

She could see fear and apprehension in your eyes at her words, but she was determined to make you talk about this. Some gut feeling she had told her that what was stopping you telling Phil how you felt about him was a story that you had never told anyone else. She knew that you needed to talk about it, and she also could see that through the worry and hesitation that you actually wanted to. You needed to get it off your chest, and you needed someone to listen to you and not to judge you. She knew that you were going to tell her. Maybe it was her profession that made you feel comfortable with telling her, but Jade would have also liked to think that it was also because you considered her a friend. 

"Okay," you sighed defeatedly as your internal struggle ended. "I'll tell you... It started a long time ago, the thing between me and Phil... But it ended seven years ago, in Monaco."

 

* * *

 

Your relationship with each of the guys had been different.

You and Stu bickered constantly, always seeming to be on opposite sides of the table with differing opinions and attitudes that clashed no matter what was happening. He was shy, you were loud. He was reserved, you were crude. He worried constantly and you didn't seem to have a care in the world. You hated him, but you also loved him, and you knew he felt the same. It was like a relationship between two siblings who simply were nothing alike, but somehow you were still friends and cared about eachother.

You and Doug were like... Twins. The very best of friends in a purely platonic way. Yes, you had kissed once, but he had been twelve and you had been eleven, and you had just wanted to get it over and done with. After that, there was nothing more between the two of you (not that there ever had been in the first place really), You got along like a house on fire. He always held you back from pouncing on a guy who spoke too disrespectfully to you, while you dragged him out to parties and introduced him to girls. You loved him deeply, and had known with certainty that he would always be in your life. 

Your relationship with Phil was completely different to your relationship with the other two. He had been in the same grade as Doug and Stu, the one above you, and they had all lived on your street. From the moment you knew what a crush was, you knew that you had it on Phil. He was charming, funny, and good to you. And you hadn't known it at first, but he had felt the same way about you. But he had also been your best friend. As wild as he could be, he managed to stop you from floating off, and you seemed to smooth down some of his rougher, harder edges.

You didn't realise this until many years later, until you had ended up at the same college together, and sparks had flown and in the heat of the moment you had slept with him. This sparked a trend, something that you and your utter commitment-phobia due to the dysfunctional relationships in your own family only viewed as a 'friends-with-benefits' situation, while Phil saw it as something completely different. Doug tried to warn him of what was going on, but Phil chose not to listen. You had made him vulnerable, made him open his heart to you while you left your locked up tight in a box. He thought you were his girlfriend, and thought you would someday be something even more, and it crushed him completely when he found out that wasn't how you really viewed the situation.

And he had found out on Monaco.

 

* * *

 

**Monaco, seven years ago.**

 

 

Phil stood on the balcony jutting out from the hotel room, dressed in only a pair of black and white swim trunks. He hadn't been swimming, or even planning to go swimming. They were just the nearest thing he could find when he rolled out of the bed, and he had figured that they would do. It wasn't like it was unnatural for a guy on holiday to put on a pair of swim trunks. In his hands he held something small, that he was casually tossing from hand to hand while he lost himself amongst his thoughts.

He was looking up at the sky, admiring the night and the stars. When he was up at high as this, standing on this balcony, they all almost appeared closer to him. But still just out of his reach. It was a beautiful night, and warm too. The hotel room had gotten so warm, but he didn't exactly find that to be the fault of the climate over here. He was more inclined to put it down tot eh activity that he had been engaging in with you. A brief smile wound his lips upwards as the memory washed over him.

Almost if his mind had summoned you, he heard the slide door from the hotel room to the balcony slide open. He turned just to watch you slip out, with nothing but the bed-sheet wrapped around your body. Your hair was messy, but sexy, and he took a moment to admire how the white of the bed-sheet looked in contrast to the deep tan you now sported. You smirked at him, obviously enjoying the way his eyes roved over your body, and he tightened his grip on the item in his hand.

_C'mon, Phil..._

"Come here," he said softly, stretching out his arm to you.

You immediately skipped forward, and he slid his arm around your shoulders and pulled you closer, loving the feel of your body against his.Turning into you, he pressed a kiss into your hair, breathing in the smell of your shampoo and something that was just completely... _you_. He wanted it to be like that for as long as he lived. You and him, and this, what you two had, always. No other girl had ever come close, ever surpassed what he felt for you. Even though he thought that that girl in college, Stephanie, may have stood a chance if given time, he now knew that you were the one. He would have always been hung up on you.

"It's really nice out here tonight," you said softly, smiling up at the sky.

"The perfect night," he agreed. "And I'm glad that it's you I'm spending it with."

You laughed a little, and hugged him, burying your face into his bare chest.

"You're so corny," you teased. "Like seriously you better shut the fuck up or I'll vom."

Phil rolled his eyes. "Could you please stop? I'm trying to be romantic."

You looked up at him and let out another chuckle.

"Why are you being romantic? You know you don't need to be. This isn't what this is all about."

Phil smiled softly, and leaned down to kiss you again. You returned the quick kiss, but hesitantly. You were sensing that something was up. That Phil was being too mushy for a relationship that you viewed as being purely physical. His next words sent you into a dawning panic as you began to realise what must have been happening.

"I know that we don't usually do the whole romance thing, but I needed to tonight," Phil began, sounding slightly nervous. "We've always known how we felt about one another, though neither of us has actually ever had the courage to come out and say it. If this relationship is going to go any further, we need to say it. And I want this to go further, so I don't mind being the first."

_Oh, fuck no..._

Hands gentle, Phil lightly touched the tops of your arms with his hands, turning you to face him. His misjudged the meaning behind your expression, seeing surprise that this was happening when it was actually shock that he had gotten the wrong end of the stick and had caught feelings.

"_____ ________," he began. "I have loved you since we were kids. Since you punched me in the face at age nine for taking your sweets without asking. Since you danced with me at Stu's birthday part when you were thirteen. Since you came crying to me after your goldfish died at age fifteen. Since you were seventeen years old, and you cried as I said goodbye to you as I went away to college, even though your mom was driving you over to visit a week later. I have never stopped loving you. Not after you got into the same college a year later, not after the first time we slept together, or up until the last time a mere few minutes ago. I love you, I have always loved you, and I always will love you. I want to be with you forever."

Phil dropped to one knee infront of you, holding up the item he had in his hands. It was a box. A small, black velvet box. Infront of your frozen form, he opened it to reveal what was inside.

A ring sat, nestled snugly on the silver satin inside.

"Will you marry me?" Phil finished simply.

"Phil...I..." You choked out. "No."

At that moment, Stu and Doug, who had been watching the event from binoculars down upon the beach below the hotel, did what Phil had asked them to do when they saw him drop down to one knee, and lit the fireworks. They went screaming up into the sky, and the two men wished their friend the best of luck, and then ran before the authorities could come to the beach to investigate what was happening. Back on the balcony, the bright lights exploded in the air above you and Phil, casting light across Phil's now ashen face.

"No?" he repeated, a tremor in his voice.

You were hyperventilating, breathing heavily and rapidly and you didn't know how to stop.

"I think... I think you misunderstood... What this was..." you managed to choke out.

"What... What was this then?" Phil's tone was uneven.

"Please, just stand up," you begged, grabbing his wrist, the one that's hand clutched the box with the ring, and tried to pull him to his feet. "Don't... Don't stay on your knees anymore."

He jerked out of your hold with force, sending you stumbling forward, and rose of his own accord. You regained your balance and looked up into his frenzied eyes as fireworks continued to explode overhead.

"What was it!?" he demanded, and you could see the pain crossing his face. "Was this all just some kind of game to you!?"

"No," you whispered. "I had told you I didn't want anything serious... I thought you were okay with that..."

"I was at first," he snapped, paling even more as he realised what you were implying. "But I thought that after the two year mark or so that you had changed your mind."

You stood in shock, at loss for what to say. you could feel that your mouth was moving, but there were no words coming out.

"So... All this time..." you could hear the agony in each word. "That I thought you and I were together... You've just been using me? ...When I was calling you my _girlfriend_ when talking to people... You just saw this as a _friends with benefits?"_

You moaned in horror, as feelings of guilt, pain, and sorry washed over you. Whatever you felt for him, you couldn't be with him... It was complicated and you didn't know how to explain... You couldn't bring yourself to be with him... You'd only get hurt... He'd only get hurt... But _God_ , he was already hurting and so were you... It was irrelevant though... What you were feeling right now. His pain and your pain... It would only get worse if you got tied down... You'd seen it happen before...

"Phil," you tried to move forward to touch his face, to comfort him in some way.

He recoiled with a look of disgust that hurt you as much as if he had slapped you in the face. He looked at you like you were something that had crawled up from the sewer... A venomous snake or an insect. You felt tears stinging your eyes and a hard, warm lump in your throat.

"Phil, I'm so sorry, I didn't know," you cried desperately as he turned his back and began to walk away from you. _"Phil!"_

You lunged and grabbed his arm, trying to yank him back towards you. He shook it out of your grasp, but turned anyway. His finger jabbed in the air, inches from your face.

"I'm going now," he hissed.

Agony, anguish and fury were all mixed together on his face.

"When I get back, I want you gone. I don't care where. I want you gone from this room, I want you gone from my life. I never want you to contact me again. I don't want to see you ever again. _Do you understand me!?"_

When he finished the last few words of his speech he was yelling, spittle coming from his mouth. His eyes were blazing and his face was white. His whole body was tensed, as if expecting a blow. You simply stared at him, completely unable to move or think. Then, you said the only thing that you could say, the only thing that would make him happier right now, even if you didn't know why you just didn't tell him that you loved him and that you didn't know how to deal with it.

"Yes."

"Good," he snarled.

You watched, tears beginning to fall silently as he whirled on his heel and marched away without looking back. He only paused when he got to the door of the balcony.

"And take all your shit with you, or I'll burn it and make fucking s'mores over it."

And then he was gone, the only sound was a glass smashing and the slamming of the hotel room door as he stormed out.

You found yourself sinking to the ground, the tears beginning to flow faster and heavier than before until your entire body was wracked with the force of your sobs.You didn't know how the bedsheet had managed to stay on, but it did, and you twisted it within your fists as you cried. You felt broken, defeated. Your mother's words of never letting yourself love a man, because you'll only get hurt, echoed in your head. You had to admit she was right. After a while the tears stopped enough for you to pull yourself together and get to your feet. You went into the hotel room, stepping over the shards of glass from the broken mirror that hung on the wall.

_He must have punched it._

You put on a pair of shorts, an oversized t-shirt, and packed the rest of your stuff into your duffel bag once again, making a trip into the ensuite bathroom to collect your belongings from there also. When you were done, you straightened up and surveyed the room to make sure he had left nothing behind. Something caught your eye. It was Phil's dark red sweatshirt, hanging off the back of the chair by the desk. You hesitated, then snatched it up, holding it your face and inhaling it deeply. It smelled like him.

You paused for another few seconds, and then stuffed it into your duffel bag also. You knew that even if he suspected that you took it, he wouldn't come looking for it.

The tears came again, hot and fast like before. You allowed yourself a few more minutes to cry, leaning on the back of the chair by the desk. You forced yourself to pull it together a few minutes later, however. Standing up, you took a deep breath to steady yourself.

You didn't know if Phil would ever forgive you.

You wouldn't contact him again, as much as you'd wanted to in the years to come. He had wanted you to vanish from his life, and vanish you would. If he came looking for you, that would be a different thing, but you weren't sure if he ever would. You didn't know if Stu and/or Doug would want to be friends with you after this also. You hoped they would. You wanted to leave them alone, Leave them to make up their minds about you on their own, but now you had nowhere to go, and you really needed your best friend.

You would go to Doug's room. You had the spare key and you would wait there until he got back and you'd tell him how you really felt and let him tell you what he thought was best to do. He'd be there for you, he always was.

You pushed yourself away from the desk chair, and stood up straight. Glancing around the room, you took in the rumpled bed sheets, cracked mirror, Phil's luggage strewn everywhere. You were well aware that this might be the last bit of Phil's life that you ever saw, and made sure to burn the image into your brain. Sighing, you spoke softly to the still room.

"Bye, Phil."

Then you steeled yourself, and left the room.

 

* * *

 

**Vegas, present day.**

 

"Wow," Jade said as she digested it all.

"Yeah," you sighed. "Now you know what happened in Monaco."

You threw your hands into the air in mock celebration, trying to lighten the mood. It didn't seem to work, as Jade continued to seriously ponder the tale you had just told her.

"So Doug heard you out?"

"Yeah, he got back to his room after helping Phil back to the one we had shared. Phil had gotten himself pretty wasted and apparently passed out as soon as he got in the door. Doug... He wasn't happy, and while he couldn't fully understand, he got enough of it to still want to be my friend. He changed my flights and brought me to the airport when Stu and Phil were still sleeping the following morning. I was afraid it was going to be the last I ever saw of him also, but he turned up at my door two days after he got back from Monaco with a few rented movies and popcorn and ice-cream."

"So you two stayed friends?"

"Yeah, I saw him often. Almost every week."

"And Stu?"

You gulped a little, and Jade knew you were trying to swallow the hurt. "He didn't. He blamed me like Phil did."

"And you never saw Phil again after that?"

"Not until this weekend, no. But I never stopped thinking about him," you confessed, looking highly uncomfortable.

"So you wanted him, but you just couldn't?" she asked. "That's some pretty big commitment issues."

You nodded glumly. "Courtesy of my family. It's really fucked up. I can be in a relationship with guy that I'm attracted to but that I don't really like in that way. I'm not emotionally invested so I have no problem with it. Phil is the only guy I've ever cared for, and I found it impossible to commit to him. I couldn't bare getting hurt... Though that caution didn't really work out, huh?"

"No, it didn't," Jade agreed with a chuckle. "Do you want to know what I think?"

"Sure."

"I think you need to tell Phil how you feel. You guys have gone seven years apart and still not gotten over one another. It's obvious that you have something pretty special. Yeah, you may have royally screwed it up the first time, but maybe this is meant to be your second chance. Not many people get one, you know. You're lucky. You need to make the most of it, and take a different path than you did the first time. So overcome these fears, and give it a shot. It might just turn out to be more than you've ever dreamed, then you'll be kicking yourself for messing it up the first time."

You digested what she was saying, a thoughtful expression on your face. The silence stretched between you two, until she began to become impatient with hearing what you had to say on what she thought was some very good advice. Eventually, you opened your mouth.

"You know, for a hooker you're extremely spiritual."

She burst out laughing, before correcting you. "Escort."

 "An escort, sorry."

"So does this mean that you're going to take my advice?" she asked hopefully.

"I'm leaning towards it," you told her, watching her smile widen. "Only problem is I need to know how he's feeling, and what with Doug missing and the rest of them in jail, it's kind of hard to focus on it right now."

"I understand," she nodded. "They need to get out of jail, and then you guys need to find Doug quickly and in time for his wedding. The wedding, providing it all goes to plan, would be the perfect time to talk to Phil about all this."

"But what if they don't get out of jail in time?" you looked troubled. "How would I find Doug on my own?"

"They do need to get out," Jade agreed. Then she paused. "Or _you_ need to get them out."

"How would I do that?" you asked in bewilderment. "I'm not a cop."

"You don't have to be," she argued, holding Tyler close as she carefully got to her feet. She motioned for you to follow. "You just need to look like one."

"What?" you were beyond confused.

She rolled her eyes impatiently as she strode over to grab her bag from the counter.

"Come on," she ordered. "We're going to drop Tyler off at his babysitters, and then we're going to stop by my workplace."

"The stripclub? Okay, I know I gave off a certain kind  of vibe with the whole 'friends with benefits' thing, but I'm not really comfortable-"

"Relax!" Jade interrupted with a good natured laugh. "I'm not bringing you there so you can work the pole."

"Then why are we going?"

"You need to look like a cop. We need to get you a uniform. I'm pretty sure we have a costume that will work in the back."

"Oh my _GOD_."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you finally know what happened in Monaco! Was it expected? I hope you enjoyed the chapter anyways. This runs parrallel to the times that the guys have been taken by the Vegas cops and are being questioned. The reader will join them at an approriate time next chapter ;)
> 
> Thank you for all kudos, comments, bookmarks and subscriptions!
> 
> *I'll be replying to all the comments left in the last few months as soon as I possibly can*

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it :)
> 
> Let me know, right? <3


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